Fork in the Road

The Christmas Party

Isn't it petty and spiteful that when I found out my almost X-husband did not have a date for his office Christmas party, I felt gleeful?
It surprises me that while I say I am over it and happy my life is much better now(which it is), I can still have these moments of spiteful anger--wanting my life to be better than his is, so there!--when the reality is that, now that we are no longer together, we should both have great--and totally seperate--lives.

Ah, letting go means letting go of anger, not just the relationship...

5 more minutes on 5

So R sent me a very long email about himself and his confused behavior and feelings.
Agonized, in a word.
I decided we should meet and talk, break up or not.
I also had a feeling he might not show--but he said he really wanted to see me--and really wanted me to forgive him, though he feared that might be impossible, BTW.
Thinking it over tonight, I made this little speech in my head of what I'd say to him, which went something like:
"You know, I can't see someone who isn't honest. It's not about whether you see other people, or make a commitment, it's about communicating honestly what you want.
Figure out what you want and then just tell me--but be honest about it."
There was more,  but that was the gist.
Now it's almost 9 pm, R is an hour behind schedule and he's calling to say he can't come--he's been in a meeting for the past 2 hours with his boss and still has to get ready for a meeting in the am.
What I'm feeling is that he's someone who may want someone like me, but who just doesn't have the life skills to keep it together--to resist trolling for women as a kick for his ego, to manage his boss so he can come deal with me, to have the brains to recognize whether he really wants to be with me or just thinks he should because I match all the qualities on his Girlfriend life list.
My prediction is that R goes home, turns right to those personals ads he swore to leave alone in anticipation of our pending split, and never acknowledges to himself that that, in reality, is a choice.

As for me, I'm past feeling devastated, but it does make me feel burnt out.
I can see how it would be hard to be optimistic about meeting people if these calamities happened over and over.

It would be fooling myself to pretend this relationship was going to work as anything besides a couple of pals--and that makes no sense.

Suzannah confesses

How am I so sure about R?
Reader, I did a big, bad thing.

Yep, I answered one of the ads I thought might be his--just cause I HAD to know--using another email address.

Imagine how my heart sank when an email came back to my fake persona--from him!

Judging from that email, he was looking for a lot more than a date for Saturday night(when I have a prior committment).

5 am and awake and sad

So I hardly slept last night. 

You see, I found out that R has been advertising for other women in the personal ads. Yep, Mr. I *love you* and want to commit has two ads running for women (and yes, he references that his next girlfriend should be republican(!), and truly single or divorced. )

I cancelled our get together and confronted him.

His response : "I wanted a date for Saturday night, that's it."

My response: " Bull-hoohie."

Actually my response was a lot more that that.  Since we'd spoken at length last night and he'd been so nice, I wrote him at length about the amazing fact he was unable to bring up any unhappiness when we spoke--but was clearly looking for another girlfriend with some concentration!

So this is the moment in my new life as a single when I feel burned out and upset. 

R, whom I trusted, has proven to be untrust worthy (are all men?--dammnit, he could have just said something!)  There just doesn't seem any way around it. Maybe he's someone who can't handle a relationship even if he wants one--so he has to start new ones, over and over. Maybe...whatever the reason, he's trashed what is between us.

I am travelling today, back from a business trip, and I am going to be so zonked on the plane.  I feel so sad about all this, and so angry, and so resigned, in a way...Welcome to the monkey house and the downside of all these little relationships.

Divorce humor

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place o ut. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

(Via Willow's Weep)

What I think

More on husband's talk with me tonight:

J wondered if I thought that he'd started being unfaithful at the time he said he didn't want to sleep with me anymore...but that wasn't the case, there was nothing else.

J mused on whether I believed he'd cheated on me and lied earlier in the relationship, but he wanted me to be aware that even though I traveled so much and he was alone, and we were unhappy (his words), he'd never been unfaithful.

(This struck me, of course, as the logic of a selfish man who wants to be applauded for keeping an agreement he made--bang the drum and play the pipes, baby--or just shut the f&^k  up.)

So, we talked for about an hour and I cried a little at the end, but I don't really believe his innocence, though he steadfastly maintained it.

(The idea that he would be writing emails to his precious one and dearest and celebrating an anniversary when there was no sex and a just a couple dates defies logic, doesn't it?  That would mean husband, at 50, fell in love with the first woman he went out with after he decided to part from his wife..hmmnn...that doesn't sound right.)

Upshot: 
When I told him I'd taken our savings and put them into a CD where he couldn't touch them, he didn't protest. 
When I said I was upset because he'd lied to me when I'd trusted him, he
said he understood--
But what he really wants is peace, to get through all this and move on, and he will exhibit his remorse in his charming, sincere, authentic way--the way that took me in for so many years.

What makes J a master liar is that he believes his lies himself.

Questions without answers

• Does J realize he is going from one relationship to another?
• Did he ever really want to live on his own?
• Did he rent his big loft because he and P will move in together?
• Does he not want to take the dog because P's dogs will live there (that one feels right to me)?
• Is he so in love he's not thinking straight?
• Does he think he can just use me, discard me and put me aside (answer: Yes)

It is still so hard to fathom how deeply I was betrayed, how throughly fucked over.

The peanut gallery: comments from friends

My friends and close family have been GREAT, so supportive and patient as I wail. Thanks!
Some interesting viewpoints have emerged, in no particular order:

• Husband felt insecure as you became more successful. He liked himself less and went out and found a woman who would admire him as he is and went to her.
• Husband is a faker, a phony, very insecure and hung up on presenting an image of himself as a good guy, but he's really not so good.
• This relationship was the reason your marriage broke up, not a symptom of the break-up. (That's the one I think is probably true.)
• You need to think about yourself and not let him manipulate you anymore.  He's not your friend.

Everyone agrees that the biggest pain here is in the lying--that this man who presented himself as a person of outstanding integrity--involved in both the Jewish AND the Christian faith--repeatedly lied about his feelings and behavior-to me, to the therapist, and then to his child and parents and friends.

It sucks.
I don't want to have ANYTHING to do with J anymore.
Just let me get through the move out.

What a difference a day makes

Don't get mad, get even--that's a good motto to remember.
I was soooo upset last night.
I am still upset, but I've traded some of my pain for the purpose-driven life.
I am not going to write all the details out here, because this will be a legal exchange between us soon, but the short version would be that I took some steps to protect myself that husband does not know about and that husband will not like.
(yea!)
Also decided not to tell husband I know about his lying until I see the lawyer--and to not reveal how I know....I want to hold these cards for a while.

My therapist and I had a chat and agreed on what my scenario for talking with J would be, and what my back up was.  Core line "I know that you have lied to me about some important things, and I have taken steps to protect myself."

Meanwhile, I told J I was too upset to see him and ask if we could not be in the house (where I am still packing) at the same time.  He agreed.   Hopefully, that could buy me a couple of days.

Oy.
I just want to get this all over with and move on.