Fork in the Road

I am (still) hating this

If someone says they are going to call and they don't, and they don't send email or respond, and it goes on for a few days--but you can see they are engaged in some other online activities(from posts or log in dates) then it's reasonable to assume that person has gone MIA on you and doesn't want to talk, right?

I have Colin's sneakers, a stack of his books, and a bunch of other stuff, but the guy has gone radio silence.  I sent him an email and have not heard back.

My assumption, which makes me really sad, is that he's reconsidered the intimacy of the past week and doesn't feel able to say anything--I am learning that this is a male trait, in particular--to try a relationship on for size, then say "nah."  If this is the case, I am still appreciative of what I have learned from him about myself, but watching what I thought would be a great connection seem to fizzle out has me in deep mourning--and then I am also aware that this might not be what is going on at all.

Ugh.

Silence is such a bad tool for sharing what one feels...there's no guidelines, just fantasy-how the hell am I supposed to know what saying you'd call on Thursday night and then not calling or emailing is supposed to mean--except for fuck you, that is?

I really hate this

So Colin has been away this week and came home last night and said he'd call me.  He didn't. And he hasn't.  And I feel bad about it. And don't want to be the one to call him. To make it nice.  On one hand, I feel really disappointed and hurt--I think we may have significantly different ways of relating and I am not getting what I need from him in terms of communication.  On the other hand, he's been away from home for 2 weeks, just got back last night, went into the office for the first time today and so on.

The rational voice tries to keep perspective, but then when I see he logged into the dating site we both belong to yesterday, the hurt starts.  I recognize he could have been surfing there, insomniac, at 1 am, but he could have written me an email at 1 am, as well.

Translation: Feeling like perhaps I like him more than he likes me, or that he likes me more as a friend and I am not sure how I feel about that, assuming it is true.

Supposition: This man has the potential to hurt me because I do care for him and wish he would care for me in a similar way.

Next steps: Unknown. If he doesn't call tonight, I am going to consider whether he is really someone I want to date and how much effort I want to put into maintaining the connection.

Waaaahhh! (a blend of real perceptions and galloping insecurities!)

Ouch! Online dating presence indicator

Here's one of those things that just doesn't work when you're crushing on someone--finding them on with IM now at the online dating site where you met--or where you both just happen to belong.  I've had the pleasure (not) of feeling like I could *see* two different men online and most likely browsing for women (or emailing others) as I checked in to see if I had any new messages.

No, on one hand, that is tit for tat, so to speak, but it still stings.

Coffee guy, redux

Saw the coffee guy this week, and yet, we had more coffee. And more talk. And more talk after that. Coffee Guy is interesting to me: he's an artist, craftsman, smart, but not a geek. And he's open minded but not as progressive as some of my friends.

Vital stats include lives in the same place for 10,000 years, never married, no kids, but some long relationships.

I want to see his art. And his garden.  He is definitely worth getting to know better. (Do you hear the sound of Suzannah taking it slow? Applause, please.)

Being single is actually pretty okay

So I'm starting to feel more positive about the dating choices I am making.  For one thing, I am being super-selective about who I date more than once--the two men I dated this month, both of whom were very nice, I decided not to see again so I could have more time to try to meet new people in the real world.

I also decided to let Dream Guy go--trying to have any kind of (new) connection with someone who says he is going through a break up is a bad idea.

And I recognize that I need to think hard about whether I reall want to be in a 1 to 1 committed relationship right now--what if I just wanted to date and have fun for a while? (This interesting idea rears its head...)

And what if I just acted like to wanted to date and have fun and saw where that led? (Another novel idea...)

Short version is that I have bridged the gap with the getting into a relationship too quickly thing, I think...for now.

Update: I can't read someone I don't know

So my coffee date just emailed me; he had a great time and it went by too fast and he'd like to get together again. And he sent me a very sweet picture of his dog and his cat.

Geeze, dating is such a learning curve--about myself and about everyone else I meet.

Woof!

The coffee date

So tonight, before my class, I had coffee with T.  How do you tell if sometime likes you? I thought his eyes lit up when I walked in, we chatted easily, and he walked me to my car.  But then when he said "We should do this again sometime," I had the distinct impression that the subtext was, "No soap radio," in other words, thanks by no thanks.

I smiled, I walked off and got in my car and I told myself that it could be easy to come to hate dating; the people I want to go out with don't seem to want to click with me, and the ones that want me--I don't want.

I also thought about how much part of what I want is to be liked, to feel attractive and desirable, and how that parallel tracks with my thoughts on whether I like the guy.  This one, while he wasn't Dream Guy, had definite possibilities, a sense he could be worth getting to know. --But who knows?

What I have learned in the past 24 hours

I am having a day loaded with insights and it makes me feel so damn good. So good, so peaceful, so happy. So appreciative of all the messes I make and how I clean them up.

What triggered all this?

Well, first of all, I decided to stick with my plan and not get emeshed with anyone I met while dating..the goal this time is to meet a number of men and see what that is like, not jump down the rabbit hole with some guy and emerge 6 months later.

And secondly, Dream Guy called me!! Yes, the man I was so smitten with, whom I saw just once and felt such a connection to, called me today. Of course, his message was that his life is a mess and he's been feeling down and not up to going out and/or having fun, but what I heard in addition to that was that I was someone he'd liked and respected, even if he's not in a position to act on it(because it's so painful and complicated to end his relationship).

My response to him was that I would be willing to be friends, and that if he wanted to talk about what was going on with someone outside of his immediate circle, I would be willing to listen if he wanted. After all, I have been there...and I know how much it all hurts.  He liked that, and I think what I got out of the call was that I had an invite to call and message and interact...the connection between us was/is mutual, even if it's going to go nowhere beyond simple courtsey.

(My mania for honesty is such that this feels all right to me, even good.)

Off the list

So, I am picky when it comes to guys. Really picky. Clearly  just breathing isn't enough--and being a good guy isn't enough either--I want me smart and sensitive and somewhat cool and somewhat succeessful and insiht driven and when they are not most of those things I wonder if I amwasting my time.

My date last night was very nice, but not a world beater.  The man I just chatted with on the phone was definitely not for me, especially since he was depressed about his divorce and moving away in the next 6 months.

And the guy I was supposed to see tonight never got in touch to confirm and when I asked what was what, he backed out...so I don't plan to contact him again, not when he seemed unable to take the initiative to contact me.

Ugh. Dating. It does suck.

Another date, another drink (coffee this time)

How high to set the bar? Coffee last night with Dieter, a long-Americanized Austrian now living here. Single, smart, telling the story of how unattached he is, but sounds kinda lonely. Smart, said the right things, but....maybe worth seeing again, maybe not.  My sense is he could be an interesting distraction from meeting the *right* person, more than be the right person, but he and I shake many interests and he was both communicative and interesting.

Another date t with a different man enatively planned for tonight. And one with someone I know from before on Sunday.  Yep, I am going at meeting someone I click with with some focus.

Note to self: This man was eager to make plans to meet again before we parted..a te,lling sign of interest, don't you think? (as compared to dream guy, or me with the last date...)