Fork in the Road

Emails, not calls?

So I am getting long detailed emails about potential plans from the new guy, but he seems to have an inability to call or speak on the phone--it seems odd. When I called tonight to discuss weekend plans (in response to an email), he said he was in the middle of something and he'd call me back, so since it's been hours, I'm assuming he was either with a date or he's a lunatic.  If it's the former, I just wish he'd say he has a friend over and we'll talk tomorrow; if the latter, uh-oh.

Deeply unsatisfying and I am hesitant to call back since someone else could be there.
Arrgghhh.

Time, the luxury

So, I'm single. Solo. Unattached. And boy, does it feel good!  I lost a pound this week and I know it's because I am giving myself time to focus on diet and exercise, not on dealing with boyfriends. I also feel like I am gaining perspective I did not have, and that I need to continue to develop and hold on to.

For one thing, I see how co-dependent Wash is (yes, we are still talking, basically as friends, though he wants us to get back together.)  His style is to offer to do everything with me, to insinuate himself into my activities, and then to ask for time committments way in advance that prelude doing things with other people on my own, or with other people, period, since not everyone wants to see him as well.

For another, I see my vulnerability to that, not out of loneliness, but because I'm nice and till this moment I didn't see how me held so tight and entrapped me--I just saw it as us enjoying time together--but it doesn't feel that way now that I have more distance.

The weekend, I have NO evening plans. Friday, Saturday, Sunday--all free. I am amazed I could stay home, could go to a dance class or a movie, could do whatever--it's just a total treat to me.  As much as I have this impulse to go off and meet men, my saner self says Take it all slow and focus on you no matter what else you do--and I am going to listen to that this time and give myself the space I shoujld have claimed a long time ago.

Some observations about myself

So I've been boyfriend less for less than a week if you reckon I ended it with one 3 weeks ago, and with the other this week.  I am going on 2 days and chatting with others--BUT--I am going to take it REALLY slow this time in terms of getting intense with anyone.

Why? This space is helping me figure some things out:

1) I have been using my relationships with men to help me feel good about myself--the love they feel for me and the approval/care bolster my self esteem.  This is nice, but it leaves me vulnerable to making poor choices to keep myself feeling enriched. Better strategy: focus on developing more activities--swing dancing, working out, walking come to mind--that make feel good about me because of ways I am toning my body or feeling energized. Ergo, better guy choices.

2) Date, for chrissakes!  Don't jump in with every possible guy and start seeing that person 3X a week!

3) Seerk activity partners--a great way to connect.

There's lots more to say, I know, but I have to head out--will finish this later.

Feeling lonely and then some

Once again, I am starting to look at personals ads and feeling lonely.  I realize today that what I want, what I keep wanting to search for, is that person I can care for enough that we can make plans together and pool and share resources.

It's not about getting married or even living with someone, it's about feeling a connection and a trust that is deep, peaceful and welcomed.

Right now, I feel like I don't have that in my life. I feel sad and stressed about ending it with Wash, and feel like I am staying with John because of the fun we have together, but would welcome a chance to break up with him--I don't feel that strongly about him when we are apart (but I really miss Wash, go figure).

I am going to touch out these feelings and spend time with myself, but it feels painful.

Sex & Love:Confused

After a few days of reflection, I've decided that I'm definitely not a sex addict, but that I don't do a good job of balancing my feelings about people I sleep with--my pickiness in relationships when it comes to quantity is (un)balanced by my unfailing tendency to think I am in love (and then realize/decide I am not) with each man I get involved with (3 in 2 years.)

The take away here(among many) is that I probably trade sex for love--I want sex and don't want to admit it, or want sex with someone I love or feel loving toward--and they want love (and sex, of course).  Kinda  a reversal of the typical male/female thing.

In other words, do I love John? Or do I love the fact he loves me and makes me feel good? It's probably the latter--and yet, it's good enough I hesitate to give that up (go on, lecture me here).

It's hard to say something like this that doesn't hurt anyone is bad..but I wonder whether I shouldn't just think about starting over at some later date...and hold off on the relationships and spend that time alone I just never got around to putting in.

Comments?