Fork in the Road

Should I be sorry?

It's Yom Kippur, the most solemn holiday in Judaism, the one where Jews pray for forgiveness for sins between themselves and God, and correct wrongful actions between themselves and other people.

I was in shul tonight, beating my breast and repenting, but I haven't yet decided that this is the year I am going to forgive my ex. On one hand, I want to forgive him and (more fully) move on; on the other hand, I'm still hurting pretty badly.

In shul, I cried a bit, because I was remembering the two of us together at services last year, and my not having an inkling that my efforts to please him and to fully committ to counselling weren' paying off.  Also had no idea he was pouring his little heart out to Miz P (thought of as That Bitch in Suzannah's brain) about how miserable he was with me, setting things up for a nice slide into a new romance later.

So the idea of forgiveness for husband is hard to accept...As hard to accept as the fact he was probably also sitting in shul tday, thinking about me--but he will never call.

I need to acknowledge the pain and let it go.  It is over.

R tonight

R is coming over tonight.
Dinner and a movie--I have The Croupier from Netflix.
We have had so little time together for the past month--eager to see how this evening goes.

Meanwhile, I am thinking about cancelling my Sunday date.
On one hand, why not meet the guy?
On the other, am I really going to date someone who lives--and works-- 30 miles away and rents cars when he needs them?
Not.

Wavering once more.

Husband says he’s unhappy, been unhappy for at least the past 5 years.

When I told two friends we were splitting up, they both said the same thing: “Really? I always thought you were the model couple--you seemed so independent, yet so connected. And whenever you were out together, he seems to completely adore you.”

 And then there was how he said he’d love me always, never leave me, I was the one.

 And none of it is true.