Fork in the Road

Wash and me: update

So Wash and I are not back together, but we are talking all the time. And last night we went to a party together and then he went home to Pansy.  There's been good conversation about why we're not a couple and what would have to be different for us to re-connect--including my feelings about his marriage not being solid, being an obstacle to our having a future, etc.

I am impressed with how hard he works and how seriously he listens to me--and touched by how hard he is pitching to stay in the game--but with the understanding I should only re-engage if that's what my heart fully says.

I've also told Wash that my life going forward is going to focus on more time for myself and dating, not relationships--I need to meet more people and get more perspective, rather than jump in.

More on this...nothing hurried goin' on.

Talking with Pansy and Wash (and where John fits in)

Pansy, Wash and I got together this weekend to talk.  They're both hurt by my breakup with Wash, and trying to understand what I am feeling and what I want.  Truth is, we had a good talk--it all comes down to what do I want.

I think that if I had another partner whom I was mostly happy with, I might feel differently about being involved with Wash as well (tho, again, I might not feel the need). But there are so many things I want in my life that this man is not set up to give me--and I am facing that.

Having said that, I recognize that my connection to the married Wash is much stronger and deeper than to the single and very eligible John, so go figure that one--I am going to take till the end of the month to explore my feelings about both of them, but I am leaning toward breaking up with John on the premise it isn't going to go anywhere for me and enjoying the moment isn't enough.

As for Wash, I am not re-uniting right now, tho Wash is doing everything possible to stay emeshed and present in my life.

I broke up with Wash

I broke up with Wash tonight.  I'd been thinking about ending the relationship for the past three weeks, but wanted to sit with the feeling and make sure it was the right thing for me to do.

When he came over tonight, I took him for a walk and told him that I was ready to shift our relationship--that our connection as lovera was something I was ready to move beyond. I explained that this was about taking care of myself and focusing more on me--and that it wasn't about something bad he did, being angry, etc--I felt like it was time to move on from our roma ntic relationship, that the feelings I had the most were of friendship.

He wanted to know what I was doing about John--was I breaking up with him as well? Was I choosing John over him?

I tried to explain where I was with that, but keep the focus on me and Wash.

I have to say, he took it pretty hard--he ended up going home to his wife to talk things over.  I invited them to call me--but they haven't.

How do I feel? Thrilled. I am sad Wash is sad, but I am excited at having more time for myself--and hopeful that Wash and I will be able to remain friends.

John puts it out there

So, John and I agreed we loved one another and that we wanted to work things out, not break up.  But then, it started to get all weird.

First, there was the little drama around whether he'd come down tonight, a night when I wanted to stay home and do my laundry.  I thought he was, but then he wasn't, not after he asked me to have lunch with him and what was I doing after my class tomorrow before I came to his house (this line of inquiry felt much too intrusive) and I declined and was, he said later, 'evasive.'

I thought this kind of shift in plans was disturbing, a bit too much like the X's insecurity.  During the call when he said he wasn't coming down, he also told me he'd put an ad on a local dating site looking for a secondary relationship. I said fine. And then I went and read it. And ugh!

Is it deliberate planning or the general bumbling stupidity of men that leads to these actions they take? John's ad made no mention of a girlfriend, being in love, or polyamory. Anyone who answered it would think they were getting someone with no complicated history--and no attachments.

Then I went onto the dating sites be both frequent and was pained to see that John's removed the "I met someone and am in love" message from his profile--there as well, he's just open for business.

I would have to be stupid not to get the message that this man is going to use me till he meets someone to replace me--or am I going to be sentimental enough to convince myself this is not so?

For me, this feels like the end of the road--if the guy doesn't have it together enough to manage all this stuff, it just will not work--seems to me that it is not going to work and I am being given very clear messages via actions, not words.

Deep shit redux

So I gave it much thought and then told JohnI could not, would not break up with someone to please another--it was too hurtful and wrong.  So we had it out in a long phone call and we agreed to get together the following night.  When John came over, we spent the evening pleasantly, without much deep talk.

The next morning, John said "Glad we decided things."

"What did  we decide?" I asked.

"That you are going to date Wash and I am going to see other people."

"Oh," I said, but in my heart I wondered--Can this really work?

Oh, I am in deep shit

Yep, things are twisted.  Boyfriend #1 (John) wants me to break up with Boyfriend #2 (Wash) to prove my level of committment to him.

Big red flag and bells going off--how could hurting one person prove anything to another in a positive way?

The shocking thing is that--as the hormones have worn off--John has become less appealing. Or, to put it another way, he is a marvelous man, but his amazingly literal approach to dealing with interpersonal relationships--ie dealing with me--is dramatic and exhausting.

If there is a disagreement, to John it means "The relationship is stalled."  If we don't feel the same way about something we need to "get back on track." Half the time he is okay with my connection to Wash, the other half the time he isn't and he says "we're backing up in our committment."

We've been arguing via phone all night and he's offered to break up with me and or date other people at least 4 times.

I just don't see how this is going to work out.  This relationship is a little, squirming kitten I need to face putting out of its misery.  The truth is I am not ready to make a committment to him like the one he wants and deserves and we both know it, deep down, I am just too chicken shit ambivalent to say that.--And I don't want to be the casual girlfriend while he finds the *real* one (though maybe I would be better off if I did do that...).

Damn! We're supposed to go out of town together in 10 days and we have all these other plans, but I just can't see breaking up with Wash cause John wants me to.

And yet I can see how John feels--he doesn't want to share.

Wash and Jon: Seeking both

So I am seeing both John and Wash, and it's difficult. On one hand, I love John and see a potential future; on the other, Wash is my buddy, my play pal and best friend.

As it turns out, Wash is having an easier time sharing, though I am spending most of my free time with John. And John is having a hard with my spending any time with Wash at all--even though he identified as poly when we met (obviously, poly is a meaningless term when it describes what people's partners are allowed to do, though every man who says he is poly can sleep with as many women as he wants).

So, not clear where John will end up--I don't want someone so possessive, or so needy, that I have to be 24/7 woman--and I hate the way John  seems to emotionally withdraw and become distant when things don't go his way.

More TBD on this one.

Shifting connections

I can't break up with Wash. Not in the usual way.  I mean, of course I can, but I don't want to.  You see, I love him too much--even if he isn't the ride off into the sunset man of my dreams--but only the greatest friend and playmate on the planet, someone I feel too close to to ever cut off (even as I actively work to make our relationship change).

As John and I become more of a couple, there's the issue of what to do with our others--John has Athena, a friend with some benefits, and I have Wash--and Pansy. He's dialing down Athena, and I'm going to spend (alot) less time with Wash, but we're still identifying, kinda, as poly--even as we work to focus our time together.

Should I tell you what it was like this weekend to have dinner with John and Pansy and Wash and know that I was the bond between these folks? It was....weird. On one hand, it felt great to be with people I was so close with--on the other hand, who has dinner with their lover and their new boyfriend? And the lover's wife? That was unusual--and yet, we're going to do it again-in fact we were all together at a party on Sunday.

Nothing like feeling like an old free love hippy, is there?

Does John know about Wash?

So Jeri asks if John knows about Wash?--And the answer is yes.  Interestingly enough, John and Wash and Pansy all know one another--John dated someone they are friendly but not close with anymore a few years ago.

Poly people call this "dating within the tribe"--it means someone who shares your values.  Interestingly, John and I net out at about the same place--although we are poly-friendly, we would not want to have the kind of relationship Pansy and Wash have, where one partner fell seriously in love with someone else.

Breaking up isn't hard to do

So I told Wash I was in love with John and that it was getting serious. He wanted to know what that meant for him. 

When I called back a few minutes ago, Wash said he assumed I'd want to be friends;  I said, "Wait a minute, do you mean you have to have all or nothing?" (It surprised me that he caved so easily...)

"No, I am happy to be lovers with you if that's what you would like," he said, but the implied statement was "I need more."

More on this soon, no doubt.