Fork in the Road

Weekend updates

Mostly, it was a great weekend.  I spent Friday night and a chunk of Saturday with Colin, and then Sat night and Sunday with Wash.

Wash has evolved into more of a friendship on my side, with some yearning on his side, but good communication on how we each see things (IE he knows I am looking--and engaged--elsewhere as my main focus and accepts it.)

Colin continues to keep and hold my interest. I am getting to know him well enough that I can see the flaws emerging...he can be a huge procrastinator, doesn't seem able to be as well-organized as he needs to be, gets distracted by things he should be ignoring(like reading). But I do not know what impact these flaws will have on our connection and there is time to find out.   On the plus side, he is bright, engaging, honest...and someone who speaks to my heart.  We are going away together, and I think we may emerge from that trip with much more understanding of one another and --perhaps--a sense of ourselves as a committed couple, or a couple on the way to more commitment..I don't know..whatever happens will be the right thing.

Happiness

I am feeling very happy with my life right now. Everything seems to be going well--interesting work, wonderful friends, caring family, and emotional connections that are rich and meaningful.

I am thrilled by the connection I feel with Colin and the way we talk, and know it will continue to evolve.  This man engages me in a way that is just different and deeper than most people have, maybe all the way back to Mark, my first serious college boyfriend. It's not that I know what the future wil bring between us, or even that I have an agenda about where it should go, it is that the quality of the connection is so strong.

I feel so happy about that and so excited to see how our lives develop.

Summertime and the living is...busy

So I've been dating!  And it's been interesting. As you may recall, I decided to define dating as going out and meeting people, as opposed to meeting somone on a date and then getting lost in discovering how much of a fit we could be.  I've gone on dates with 3 or 4 different people, am going to see one of them again this Friday and have plans to see another for the second time next week. And there is one more who I am supposed to meet for lunch at some point...when I have the time!

I am also seeing friends alot more--dinner with one last night, seeing another tonight--and that feels great.

Putting the restriction on myself not to jump into a relationship just because I could--or because the guy was interested--was really smart, and I am feeling much more balanced.

Happy 4th you all

Hope everyone had a nice day. I spent it with Wash and my friend Peter.  Pansy was supposed to come down to, but she didn't feel well.

Turns out the Pansy/Wash marriage is in trouble and they are questioning next steps. I made sure Wash knew I would support him as a friend, but not to expect more if things blew up.

Meanwhile, I am dating or trying to date while keeping more time in my life free for me. Work has been intense, so this has been pretty demanding.

Arrggh...dieting continues..down one pound and needing to find time to up the exercise.

Deconstructing yearning

I get into these bouts of time--often later at night, when I am alone, when I feel intense yearning. At those times I want to feel more joined and committed to a partner than I am, more cared for, more loved--or so I've thought.

Last night, in the middle of that sort of mood fest, I realized that I was loved, was cared for--but that what I was yearning for was someone whom I truly loved, who would love me deeply in return.

I don't have a mutual passionate connection right now--Wash loves me but I am ambivalent about him.  I am smitten with Dream Guy but I suspect he's just not that into me. What I'm struggling with is finding a balance around feeling loved and loving and it's just so hard--feeling loving toward someone is so much harder to make happen than enjoying going to the movies.

I spent much of last night's free time looking at personals sites, regretting that there isn't a better (read faster and more effective) way to meet people. If there is, I just don't know it! I go out and do things, explore, meet new people, meet people online and in the real world--but it's not happening.

Not right now, anyway.  I know it's supposed to take time but when I feel the yearning there's a little voice that says "But isn't there someone out there meant especially for me?"  And the answer comes back, "You don't know."

Dating: On the hunt

So, I am definitely open to meeting some new men, but I'd prefer to focus more on the real world--and meet some people based on my interests in walking, hiking, dancing, books, movies, music.

And if I don't meet anyone, that's cool--goodness knows I have enough to do.

Walking with Mr Cello Man

Spent the evening on a 4 mile walk with Mr Cello Man, the guy I met about a week ago via an online service. MCM and I did a walk last week and agreed to get together again tonight to do another one--and I had a lovely time.

MCM is from the area, and walked me through all sorts of little back streets with great houses, pastureland with donkeys grazing (really), school properties, park land and then some. We had lots to talk about, from the meaning of life, to whether we really wanted to find someone to love and live with (live with being the toughie) and what nerds we were in HS.

My vibe on this guy is more friend than boyfriend, but that is just fine--he lives nearby, seems nice as anything and plays the cellos like a god--the music made my heart sing when he played for me.

Feeling anxious today...and scared

Today wasn't the best day. I'm feeling quite anxious and restless and wish I didn't have so  much fear. What gives?

• An old and dear friend has been diagnosed with a recurrence of cancer; I fear for her
• Some things are happening at work that make me worry about the future and about security in general
• I told John I could not spend the weekend with him because I had a prior committment, made before we met, that I had to honor.  Given than we'd made big plans, this did not go over well--I followed my heart and did what worked for me, but it was hard.
• Tomorrow is my 30th wedding anniversary, or would be, if I were still married--that means I met the X 35 years ago, and started seeing him again before we married 32 years ago, huge numbers in my world.  Given the hurt I felt the last time we talked, and the silence since then, I have no idea if we will ever talk again, unless there is a reason to discuss the Kid.

I know I've been fortunate in the last year to have achieved some security, serenity and peace..but today is a fearful day--and I don't like it.

It hurts.

Another man to talk with--or two

I've met two other men who seem interesting to explore further.  One lives about 50 miles away and appears very cultured; the other is another poly geek type who lives about 25 miles from me and sounds, on paper, liked we'd be very compatible.

I have some reservations about the first, but think the second is someone worth knowing.  He's deeply, deeply geeky, but in a crafty sort of way, and has a family, a wife he's ending it with, and who knows what else...I am interested in finding out more about him...we may talk tomorrow.

Asking for 100% of what you want means you have to know what you want

I went for a walk with a man I met recently today. A nice, 50-something man who'd been partnered with a poly married woman for several years, but was wishing for someone of his own.  We talked easily, walked a few miles, and had a nice time.

It was interesting to talk with someone who had been in a poly situation for such a long time, but was not complete happy, was unsure about the future.  I told him about Wash and me and how I was struggling to figure out what I wanted.

"Do I just live my life and expect things will evolve so I get what I want, or do I decide what I want and then try to get it? I want to be in a couple, but I don't seem to know how to make that happen--so maybe I don't really want it."

This man was trying to figure out similar things for himself, and he was wise enough to have no answers for me, Instead, he offered to have me over next week so I could listen to him play the cello.