Fork in the Road

The X is silent

So it's been something like 6 weeks since the X called and said he was getting married(a day after he said he never wanted to speak to me again.)

Radio silence.

Amazing stories: The X calls--and lies to me

So I was coming out of diet class tonight and the X texted my phone: "I got the money, thanks, and I wondered if  I could call to ask you an unrelated question."

This was the man who said "I never want to have any contact with you ever again."

I texted that back and said I'd been hurt. He said "I said that when I was very, very angry."

"You can call me if you don't attack me, " I replied, and a few minutes later the phone rang, the X on the other line.

"I wondered if you'd be open to getting a get, a Jewish divorce," he said. "That way if I wanted to get married again I could have a Jewish wedding, and if you did, you could too. We could go to the rabbi in your town, it's not a big deal."

I told him I'd want some time to think about it, that I was still hurting from the way he treated me when we spoke and didn't feel motivated to see him or make a special effort right now.

"You don't understand how angry I've been," he said. "We've been divorced for 2 years and I have been waiting for this money from you with no control over when I'd get it. I've felt completely invisible and unheard."

Those comments took me aback--those were the exact complaints the X had during the end of our marriage--that his feelings were unacknowledged and obliterated by me!  I took a deep breath. "You know, your feeling that way demonstrates to me why it is so good we're no longer married," I replied. "The fact you were unable to express those feelings to me and then exploded once you had the check shows we're unable to communicate."

"I worried that if I showed you how angry I was, you'd not give me the money or tell me to sue you or something," he said.

"And that's why it's good we're not together," I answered, marvelling that 2 years after we split up, the man still had the same angry feelings toward me, and realizing that he probably did intend to never have anything to do with me ever again once he had what he wanted--he just hadn't wanted to let that show."Let me take some time to think about the get."

"How much time?" he wanted to know. "Weeks, days, months? Can I help the process along?"

The idea that a man who didn't share his frustration over waiting for a settlement check might have an unspoken agenda in asking for a get slowly dawned in my brain as we talked.

"You know,'I said carefully, "If you have a reason to want this get within a specific time frame, you should tell me. I might feel differently about it if you have a tangible time frame, rather than just a general wish." (Yes, I am sure you can guess what was coming.)

"I am engaged," he responded. "I want to get married again."

"Oh," I said, "Well, I don't want to be the obstacle standing in your way. I don't want to see you, but if you find out the details, I'll consider it."

And ain't that a bitch? What do you think of a man who blames me for his own feelings, but doesn't have the honesty to come out and say that he's remarrying--who instead tries to manipulate me because he's either too chickenshit or too manipulative to tell me the truth?

Arrghhh. I am both still hurt and SO GLAD we are no longer together.

"

Husband: The bad taste

"Once this is done, I want to have nothing to do with you, ever again!" X-husband screamed into the phone.

"I hope you have a nice life and get everything you deserve," I said before I hung up.

Wow, it hurt.

My friends said he was so nasty because exchanging the final checks was so emotional on both sides and although I see the (probable) truth, it hurt like a motherfucker to have someone I spent 30 years with--and loved--say that to me. Not to mention that we share a kid and I have the (kid-like) pets.

Well, now all the monies have been exchanged and we are square, 30 years of marriage and dating finally sundered all the way.

Ding dong, and yo-ho and arrgh.

Meeting the X

So the X and I spoke last week, first time in a while. Turned out he'd gotten the flu, was home, sounded like shit. That was Friday.

Saturday night, I was out with John, who came down from the far away town to spend the weekend. Too late for the healthy salad food chain, we ended up going into the funky Vietnameses restaurant to have dinner. And as we sat in the sticky vinyl booth, whom did we see by the X himself, walking right past us!

Yes, X as surprisingly in my neck of the woods, miles from his own stomping grounds, on the way out with a skinny, sallow woman I surmised must be his girlfriend.

"Hey,it's you!" I said, and he came over and hugged me. "This is John," I said and they shook hands as girlfriend hung on his arm.

It was so odd to be with my new love and meet my long term husband in a local restaurant, just by chance, our lives, now so seperate, intersecting for a brief moment.

For Emily,wherever we may find her

Emily--I read your note in the comments here, and went and checked out your blog. Girl, I feel for you! I remember how sick and socked in the stomach I felt when I found out my X was cheating on me with a woman I considered a friend--and he was a man who swore he'd never cheat (and who, to this date, insists he didn't cheat because they didn't have intercourse till after we moved out of our house into separate apartments. Guess spending the night and being in love doesn't count).

Emily, I don't know what to say. I remember how much pain I was in and how awful it was. There is no way I can counsel you, but I would say do what is in your heart and to hell with everyone else. Take care of you and work toward the outcome you want.  Express your pain and your rage and your hurt--and make sure you take care of you, first and always.

And good luck--write me if I can help in any way.

My X is getting married!

The X called me tonight to tell me that he and his girlfriend are getting married. He'd had dinner with the Kid  last night and told him, and wanted me to know so the Kid  wouldn't feel awkward.    I am feeling wierd about it--on one hand, when he told me my first response was  "Congratulations, I am so happy for you that you found someone you love enough to marry." 
But then, I started to feel annoyed about how he'd met her last June at a time when he vowed to be alone and on his own--only he clearly never got there (and probably never got to sleep with the quantity of women he missed while married to me.)  I  also felt competitive--like "Is he accomplishing something better than I am by doing this?"
But then I also felt relieved, as in it's him making these impetous moves, not me--Not only do I not want to be with him, but I feel like I am in exactly the right place in my life, learning about myself and being joyful.
I called the Kid  and spoke to him and we had a long talk about it--you see, the Kid met her--and didn't like her much--and didn't like the cautious, careful version of his Dad he saw when me was with them together.
But the Kid   agrees that they treat each other well..and he says he will try to get to know her better.
Okay, the truth is I am in SHOCK---and I am not even sure why I feel that way!
Guess this is another milestone moment.

About husband

Spoke to husband today about The Kid's car accident (insurance company has determined kid is at fault and is sending us letter).  Segued from that into mom's health (cancer should be very manageable) and dad's health/life issues (dementia, depression, can't get around himself, etc.)

Husband said: "I'm far away and the only person near them who can help is a manic depressive (sibling). "  Husband has to face these things alone now, unless he has a girlfriend serious enough to take it on (probably not yet.)

He wanted to talk about the divorce settlement some more, but we could not agree on a time this weekend to talk (arrgh). Hopefully, we will find one before the court date.

Husband called

Husband called tonight.
We talked for an hour.
Wow.

Married with deficits

Just got off the phone with the account about our last joint return.
Short version would be that our expenses kind of outstripped--or barely paced--what was a somewhat minimal income, after business expenses were taken out.
"You know, you need to make sure you are putting money away for retirement," she said."The pattern last year was kind of disturbing."

You mean all the money we spent on therapy?
The 3 months husband hardly worked because he took a music trip while I worked like a dog?
Or was it the money he  spent on CDs and music equipment, not to mention those endless plates of fish tacos, vats of pad thai and buckets of vietnamese food?

Nah, it's not that I am bitter (okay, I am), it's the frustration of realizing if I'd stayed with husband his financial behavior would be no better--and how sad--and irked-- that makes me.

Divorce: The lawyers enter

So my lawyer called today to tell me that husband has retained a heavy-hitter lawyer who specializes in digging into assets and uncovering every last scrap of value.

"Your husband said that the settlement was not what you discussed," my lawyer said. "Was there anything besides the support that was different from your discussions?"

I said no.

"I don't understand why he just didn't call and said he was freaked out by one clause he wanted changed," my lawyer said. "He's taken a big step."

We discussed what to do next, and made a plan. It will take some weeks to execute, but hopefully, we'll get a decent result.

My real feelings: ARRGGHHHHHHHHHH