Fork in the Road

It's over

So it's done. I drove to the local mall with a car full of stuff, met R and returned the assorted lawn chairs, books, baking sheets and ephemera that had piled up at my house over the past 18 months. Plus his keys and the very nice blue topaz and diamond ring he gave me last Christmas.

In exchange for returning everything, I got to hear R's hurt and angry tirade about me: what a liar I was, how I never really cared, how disgusted his family is, and lots more I won't share (because the Kid occasionally reads this blog).

He said "I will never have a real relationship again.  I can never against trust a woman.  It look me ten years to get over Mathilda, and now I'll be old if I wait that long again."

I said little except "I see this really hurts you"--what else could I have said? And why would I want to engage with him?

After he raged for a bit, I said, "R, I'm going to say goodbye now," and I nodded and then I got into my car.  He headed for the mall, and I drove away, remembering how special he was to me at one time, and how now I was so relieved this was finally over.

Fear for Tears--aka R worries

So R wrote me a very nasty email and said I ruined his life. And then he was going to come get his things.  And then he said he couldn't.

Tonight R called and said he was ready to get his things. And I said okay. But then when I hung up, I realized I was deeply uneasy. I am afraid to let R come over here and see me alone. I am worried that he might want to hurt me or take revenge in some way.  So, being someone who listens to her intuition, I just emailed him--and I will call him--and let him know that I do not want him to come over--instead, I will meet him another night this week in a different place.

This is a trust your gut move--but I have trusted my gut my whole life--and I am not changing it now.

Minus R, Day 3 and counting

So R and I broke up Sunday.  I received a bitter email yesterday, one I'd been bracing for, and it was a doozy. Blaming, hateful, mean..clearly, R feels like I smashed up his heart.  He emailed later and said he wanted to exchange possessions, so I bagged the books and hair gel around my place and waited for him to come over tonight--only he didn't.  When I called to ask, he said he hadn't been feeling well.  I of course resisted the tempation to inquire and just said that was too bad.

Translation: R is now hesitating to get his things  because that action severs our connection. I will give it a few days and then call and tell him I will drop them off on Monday night.

How do I feel? Eager to get it over with and move on.  I want my life to have more time in it, not less, and feel like this 18-month dating binge is something I can put behind me.

I broke up with R

After months of talking about whether to do it, when to do it, why to do it, how to do it-- I did it. I broke up with R today.  We'd seen some of his relatives, then come back to my place, and I said I wanted to talk about our relationship.  So we talked for a while.  He talked about his frustrations--how it felt like we'd never gotten to the stage where he got to really integrate with me and my friends. I talked about my feelings...but there was an elephant in the room.  Finally, I took a deep breath, looked at him and said, "Hey, there's something I need to tell you that it is really hard for me to say--but I have to say it....I want to have two boyfriends. I want to have a relationship with you and also one with Wash."

Watching R's face was watching the storm roll in. I won't repeat the blow by blow, but the short version would be that sharing me was untenable to him--that he could barely tolerate my having sex with other people (he acknowledged there was more to it than that)--having to be one of my two boyfriends was something he would NEVER want. (There was this sense he was willing to have me sleep with Wash so long as he didn't know about it and so long as he could believe that my relationship with Wash was all about sex, but of course I didn't let that stand...)

We talked back and forth, he was angry with me (of course) and accused me of lying a couple of times.  I reminded him that I'd brought all this up, so the concept I was lying to him didn't make much sense.

"You realize my life is OVER," he said at one point, and I just nodded, trying to hold my own self together and to remember that he had a choice about his own actions and that I couldn't mislead this guy about what I wanted. "What I would like is for us to try and see how it worked out," I said, but he didn't want that.

I'm feeling a couple of things: 1) Relieved I said what I really wanted; I've waited months and felt dishonest far too long.  2) Sad..I care about R and wish he wanted to be poly (but recognize that is his choice to make)  3) Happy...Once I get over feeling guilt, this is going to free up more space in my life for me to focus on me.  4) Guilty..I know this is hurting him and I feel bad about that.

Breaking up is (so) hard to do

I want to break up with R.  But after being married so long, I have no experience breaking up with someone I care about (husband dumped me). I went to his place determined to tell him I was unhappy and it was over, but I just couldn't get all the words out.  It was so tough.  And I didn't do a good job..I ended up saying we should try harder...which is not what I went in there meaning to say...I feel good that I began expressing my feelings, but bad that I go in and see R and just can't bring myself to say the words...to cut the chord..to make him unhappy--unhappier than I am sometimes making him now.

Advice on handling a break up welcomed...I am not doing a good job.

R is cancer free

R is cancer free!

They did the surgery, dissected the nodes, did the PET scan--and he's okay.  Lot of physical therapy to follow for some muscles/nerves they had to take, but he's clean.

Return to the familiar--R is getting better!

R and I went to the movies last night. He still has cancer, has one more surgery coming up, but he is so much better.  This man who was almost dead fro radiation a few months ago, who could not talk--or swallow--can now go out to a film, talk, drink, and even eat frozen yogurt.

Only the families of people who have survived serious illnesses can know what a miracle  it is to see their loved ones come back to health and do the small, mundane things that once went unnoticed, and now seem so special.

That is what it was like for me to sit on R's couch after we came home from the movie and watch him amble to the kitchen for a dish of frozen yogurt, come back, and then eat the whole thing right up.

So normal, so unremarkable--and so unthinkable and impossible a few months ago.

Sex and cancer: NYTimes essay

Jennifer Glaser's modern love essay in the NY Times is about her relationship with her boyfriend, who developed cancer--and died.  Not only did it make me cry, it made me want to write my own essay...it's a truthful, beautiful piece about how one couple rages against what Dylan Thomas called "the dying of the light."

Update: R

R is healing.  He's still home bound, but he's getting better after lots of treatments; sugery will come up  later in the summer and the doctor will excise the (shrunken) tumor.

He says "I love you, you are everything to me." I hear that and I cringe, because there is so much in my life I am not sharing with R right now--and not telling him about either.

For one thing, I feel guilty.  I didn't mention that I'd gone to lunch with a friend and walked in the park before coming to see him, or that I've been talking with Wash, or my thoughts about breaking up with him.

For another, I feel confused.  Will R get better and be closer to what he was? Or some new and improved version thereof ? Or will be he an invalid for a really long time? Someone who has a half-life, who is looking to me to be rescued?

I don't  know..I just know that while I love R, my feelings about where all this is going are shifting, and it's more of an effort to spend time with him.

Update on R (and me)

So R seems to be getting better, post treatments.  When I came over today, he was fully dressed (and asleep in the chair).  He looked stronger and he's cut back on many of the meds.  But even as he improves, I wonder where all this is going.  For the past 3 and 1/3 months--or more--he's been ill and much of our relationship has been on hold.  I have been a caring and loving friend, but it's been hard-and unrealistic--to imagine that he's able to give to me, or that this isn't a holding pattern.  As I see R improving, I wish for what I don't have--a more active, sharing relationship with him--one where we can talk more openly, that's more physically expressive, where he's able to give more to me.  I'm impatient for that connection and see myself moving away from him and towards Wash as someone who gives me much of that.