Two years ago, my husband and I were living together with our son in a house, but we'd ceased to be a family. The X wasn't working much, I was travelling all the time, and the Kid was trying to get through high school--and figure out college. I was unhappy, gaining weight, emotionally starved for love, affection, attention--but I refused to consider ending the relationship--the concept seemed impossible.
What scares me is that as I was thinking about the recent past--and cleaning out my closets--I found some journal writings I'd done 3 years ago, in December 2003. Here's some of the (raw) writing frm that time:
"How many different ways are there to say I am not doing well at all?...(Name of my X) is turning into an old man in a lot of ways, chubby, always eating, says whatever colmes into his head, no matter how crude, seems to have an inability to be loving--no compliments, anymore, for example. The last time someone gave me a compliment I can recall is last August, in Colorado, when someone I was working with complimented my blouse. The X rarely even says I look good.
Sometimes, I think I married the wrong person, or have outgrown him--he's a good man but I am starving for attention. Which brings me to my weight--I have gained 30 pounds, all the weight I lost in the past 3 years. I feel that I am literally starving for attention, and that food is the only thin I know how to use to reward myself. There is just so little to personally look forward too--it is depressing.:
--There's more, but you get the drift..life was miserable--and soon to get worse.
When I read these posts I feel so grateful for my life, so happy I was able to create another reality filled with friends and family, not with pain and hurt. I still haven't lost that weight, which bothers me, but at least I am active, limber, flexible--and I am not pained and scared because of the way someone else is lashing out at me , lost in his own pain.
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