Fork in the Road

Quick takes on long topics, once more

Okay, where was I? 2008 is going to be a year of big changes.

• Colin and I are going to try spending more time together so we can see if we'd want to eventually get a place together (!!!!!) and that is eventually).
• I am probably going to end up with a new job.
• I want to get a new place to live, either in or closer to the city (two possible cities)
• Continuing to work on the diet and exercise thing.
• Still friends with Wash, still poly-identified, but not dating anyone but Colin and okay with that.
• Still doing creative writing.
• Still thinking about and learning more around activism, feminism, sex-positivism.

Great moments in relationship development

It's Monday morning, 6:30  am.  I am sleeping over at Colin's  house, in the incredible, cluttered mess of his room, where I have made sure I have a path in the dark I can travel when I get up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom, and the alarm goes off, and I wake and remember my dream. 

"I was dreaming," I say to Colin, who is lying there, more than half-asleep.

"What did you dream?" he murmurs.

"I dreamt it was morning and you were driving me to the airport down a busy local road, and as we came over the hill you said "I've just run out of gas,'" I respond.

"And what happened then?" he asks.

"I took a deep breath and  I said 'It will all work out,' and then we came over the hill and a gas station was right there, and I laughed because I felt so calm," I said. "And I knew it would all be fine, and it was."

"Hah!" Colin said, and then he smiled triumphantly, because of course he was waiting to see what this dream boded for the success of our relationship.  And then,  after he told me his dream (which was all about being chases by monsters) he feel right back asleep and I left to go to work, marveling  at what I learned from this dream:

• I know this man is sometimes going to make mistakes and screw things up
• I feel accepting of that
• I'm confident everything can be worked out--and in the end will come right

These are interesting feelings from a woman who used to go into a panic when the gas gauge went down below 1/4 tank--just in case.

Updates and a whine

I've just been so busy at work and with life I have not posted here.  Work is the black pit of things to do and real life is full of people and events, so....I did take some time to myself to write, but it was essays and poems, not blogging..the blogging feels really behind.

As for relationships, I am dating Colin and it is problematic.  I see he has some of the traits of R, which is a mixed blessing thing, but I also see how much I enjoy his company and how good I feel with him and that counts for a lot. In other words, I am still mixed on this relationship, what it is,and where I want it to go.  On one hand, I can see making a real commitment to Colin, eventually living together, and yet, I can also see how just walking away could be an equally valid choice--it is so unclear whether he will give me what I want or whether he is what I want...and yet, he is more compelling to me than anyone I have met--pretty damn compelling.

You laugh, you learn, you cry, you...

Alanis had it right.  This new guy I like and am trying to date isn't so communicative, and I am considering how I feel ab0ut that.  Also working hard, and very busy--but didn't feel so great at the office after a little meeting got me down--I suppose I am fortunate to not have that happen too often, mostly I really savor my job.

More blogging tonight.

Feeling scared and taking it in

So one of the men I've been seeing is actually fairly interesting to me, and I'm scared.  Of course, it's the no risk, no reward scenario.  But now I find myself wanting something I might not get, or have no control over getting--the opportunity for this man to fall in love with me and therefore totally give me the luxury of choice; I have been really good at choosing people in the past who are a) needy and b) fit that scenario.  --And now I have chosen someone who seems a bit more intact, who I want to get to know better..and I'm scared.

I know this is healthy, that all I can do is manage my own feelings, but I find myself in a condition of wanting, of some longing, and it's scary.

The X, 17 miles away

So my X is getting married this month and we haven't spoken in four months. And it turns out he and his wife to be have moved in together--into a house about 15 miles from me.  Since she's from my area, it strike me that I may be running into them alot more often...and damn, that is going to feel awkward.

I also learned that his aged parents and family are all coming out for the ceremony..but of course I won't be able to see any of them because I am just so over.  Sigh.

Thank goodness, I don't want him. But geeze, I wish he didn't hate me so.

Is there a Plan B?

kt scarlette asks, most appropriately, "So what's Plan B?" IE, if I don't meet someone meaningful, how do I plan to live my life?

This is a great question and one that is so appropriate, I wanted to take some time to share my thoughts.

First of all, for all that I use this blog to go on and on about dating and relationships, it would be a mistake to assume that most of my free time and/or emotional energy is focused on meeting a man (though I have gone over the edge at times).  In my *real* life, I have a full time job, an active social life with male and female friends, strong connections with friends and family, and weekend trips and vacations I participate in with friends, groups, and alone.  So I hope no one things I am waiting for my life to begin when I meet Mr. Right I(or Mr. Right Now.)

I'd say I see my dating life as additive to the rest of my life.  In other words, I'd like to be in love, or serious like, with someone who was special to me, but I don't particularly think beyond that--I have a lot of hesitancies about living with someone, don't really see myself getting married again, and don't think that wanting to be in a meaningful relationship is a reason to settle for someone nice in order not to be alone...I am not alone now, even if I feel lonely sometimes(don't we all?)

I do cherish the idea, though, that I could meet someone--or even two someones, greedy woman that I am, who would be special to me, in the unique way a friend/lover/partner is, and who would feel the same way about me. That sort of intimacy and connection feels good, makes me feel treasured in a unique way, and while my friendships offer equivalent or greater value, they're of a different order--and somehow easier to come by than that elusive romantic connection.

So Plan B is to live my life and continue on as I do now--and I suppose, at some point, I may tire of looking for a relationship, or redefine what I want, and get less interested in men and dating over all. I don't rule that out, and I have shifted my life to make much more time for me, but I would also love to find love again...with the right person, of course.

Only I don't count on it, not at all. Nope, not at all.

A new direction is ahead

My few weeks of thinking have led me to some new perspectives that aren't what I expected.  My intent, which I have been thinking about for a few days, is to break up with both Wash and John.  I'm thinking it through carefully, but it is starting to feel like the right thing to do.

Here's what my thinking is--

Wash is wonderful, I truly love him, but he's an apple and I feel like I am going to want an orange. In other words, while I may no longer believe in monogamy, there are things I want that I am not going to get from someone who has a wife waiting in line in front of me (yes, readers have said this many times...). I love him, but it's not going to go anywhere beyond what it is, and that's starting to not feel like enough.

And as for John, I don't love him the way I thought I would in the beginning. He's a great man, but the bond between us is more about the fun and chemistry we have in the present than a deep and enduring love (at least on my side). That means that it's very much about what we do together in the present, which is fine--but which makes me think there isn't enough around between us to go further than activities.  I know John would welcome a deeper relationship, but I don't see it.

And now, I am starting to wonder whether it's worth putting all the time in to these relationships, as opposed to time for myself. If I put less effort into caring for others--even lovely people--I would have more time for myself and for doing new things.

And I'm starting to want that, which is what makes me feel it may be time to end these relationships and move on.

Close to...another fork in the road

So you may not know this, but I have other blogs.  One is somewhat secret, the others are pretty well known. Each one has a different focus. 

....Only, I am starting to feel my attention shift. I am becoming more interested in the truths we speak than in news and opinions so many blogs report.  The speak truth to power citizen journalism thing is important, but is it more earth-shattering than the ways blogs are used to share stories of survival and truth? I think not.

What that means for me--and for this blog--is that I'm wondering if there is a way I can bring more of my voices together in one place--and whether there is an audience that would want to hear--could stand to hear--all of them as a blended chorus.

I love writing forkintheroad--for myself and my past and what I have come through, and for the basic truths we hide and uncover and the hope to live honestly and without pretense--but I am starting to see that part of my next fork is to find a way to make this part of my voice louder--which means making myself a little braver.

More on my feelings

How do I get from where I am to where I want to be?
I think the secret is to figure out what I want --and then focus on getting there.

My old writing teacher used to say "When the inspiration comes, you need to be ready to receive it," and this may be the same thing....when I know what I want, I can go get it, or make it happen (meanwhile, I am so confused!)