Fork in the Road

Insecurities and the night

It's night time when I wish I was dating someone else, someone who would be here with me and who I would feel connected to. I hate the part of myself that goes on dating sites and wishes for someone who would reach out to me, who feels lonely and uncared for way too quickly, but she's there, a part of who I am (at least I am not so hungry for affection that I want it from people with whom I couldn't have a real bond...)

Still, there's that dream of someone who will both engage me and want to be fully engaged...and who will open my life up, not close it down.

Why does it feel so hard to have that? Am I doing such a bad job looking for it, or is it that you can't look, you can only create the conditions and hope it evolves..

God, I am confused sometimes about how to get what I want!

Right now

I was delighted I could spend a chunk of time with Colin and not feel like I was falling in love, but that it was/is a meaningful relationship.  On the other hand, the fact we're not in love and it's not clear where this might head has me back to being insecure.

Arrgh.

I see my own insecurities, but I also see how I am not exactly the person Colin wants..or, to put it another way, his head is not bought in, even if his heart is.

And, of course, I am still seeing Wash (but not very often and more as a friend). And yes, Colin knows about all that.

Yep, confusion. But that's reality.

Hanging it out on Craig's List'--Don't that take the cake!

So, seeing that all the boyfriends seem to have ads up on Craigslist, I decided to put one up too. And now I've received an exquisite pleasure--one I never quite thought would be in my learning curve--A note from one of my exes to the Craigslist post that not only pitches him (and he doesn't actually fit) to the woman of the ad--but goes into way to long and wouldn't he know better detail about--yes, ME--and our past relationship--and this from a man who threatened me if I ever wrote about him!

Ahhhh, sigh.

I also had the pleasure of seeing Dream Guy online last night on one of the dating services--so much for his busy weekend away--and of course I haven't heard from him. (That was clearly a one-date only meeting, no matter much much I liked DG).

When you're married for 25 years, you miss these experiences, which many people have in their 20s and 30s, so I guess I'm getting to have them now, ha ha.

Dream Guy sent me a note.

He emailed! The lovely, perfect man sent me a note! Geeze, I am swoony over this man, disgustingly so. 

More to come on this one...

The lessons of dream guy

So I have not heard from Dream Guy, as my friend dubbed him. Zip. Nada. Nothin'.  I'm disappoointed, but I am also struggling to understand what the possible mind set of someone who sought me out, wanted to become friends, chatted on the phone, had what looked like a great evening with me and then..disappeared...might be.

Since I hardly know him, it is impossible to imagine, but possibilities abound:

--Man is going through his own tough stuff and seeing me stirred more up (still no excuse for no communication).

--Man is a cad and phony, pure and simple (but that seems illogical).

--Man has terrible communication issues and I'm latest recipient of bad behavior (even if yes, who the F cares...not acceptable).

--It's a mystery, no one can control another person, who knows and chalk it up to experience.

I am disappoointed; I really, really liked this man and hoped we would be friends or more--guess not.

Two men on Craig's List

So two of my three former boyfriends currently have posts up on CraigsList for women they hope to date. They both sound great--one wants a woman who can travel with him (where--to Salinas?), while the other seeks someone who is comfortable, but not wealthy--but of course having been there, done that with each of them I know neither of these guys is the one for me.

Quick updates in the nick of time

Some quick ones:
John and I did not break up. We are still dating, but I am going to give some hard thought to why we are together, what my feelings are, and how truthful I am being with him about what I want vs what he says he wants.

Wash and I are still seeing one another. I am pondering why I am so attached so someone I would never marry, would never live with, and would not want as my life partner--and yet, I really love him. Makes no sense, except in heart sense, right?

Wondering if Jeri is right--it's about sex with love, or loving feelings--and if that is true, is that something to just admit--or to change?

Loss, revisited

This time of year is always hard for me.  It was January 2 years ago that it became clear the X and I were not going to make it, no matter how long we'd been together.  It is also the X's birthday this month, so the start of Christmas always makes me feel sad that things couldn't have worked out.
This Christmas I have something else I feel sad about--my  uncertainty about how much time I will get to spend with The Kid when he comes home from school for a few days.  The Kid will be staying with the girlfriend and her family, and while we have one day together planned, I wish I could see him more--but it sounds like I will not.

Those are the moments I feel sad, like I spent so many years being married and focusing on my family and I ended up with--not enough.  No husband, son away in school and me all alone with the pets they abandoned when they moved out.  The sorry for myself, self-pitying view of my life.  One I don't feel very often but one that creeps around the edges on these holidays, this time when once again I have to learn how to be alone.

Seeing the X (with the kid)

So the X came into my world for precisely 3 hours today as we shared time together with the Kid. And unlike the last time I saw him, this time I felt like I had work to preserve my boundaries and my sense of self.  Or, to put it another, way, the X and I are in whole different places.  Sure, we got along, and sure, it was fine, but I had this sense of competition with him, of him feeling competitive with me--it was an old, familar feeling and one I hate--and one I hoped our split would put behind me.

But it was there--and it didn't feel so good--and now I am unsettled. I feel much more alone, more conflicted, and sadder than I did yesterday--and worried about when I will see the Kid again--and whether I can really have a decent relationship with the X--or not.

Back with

So, I am starting to wonder if I should try to get back with my X. It has been almost 2 years, and I've changed and grown in so many good ways.  But as I go through life, trying to meet some meaningful men, I come back to the fact that the X has alot of qualities I really value--and that I have not yet met anyone who stirs me to the depth he did when things were good.

I hesitate to suggest a reconciliation, because things were so bad when we split, but I wonder if we should try to get closer and see if we can behave any better with one another.  I am going to give it some more thought and decide if I want to be straight forward and discuss the situation with him, or just suggest we get together (another non-date date).