Fork in the Road

Fear

Does imagining the worst make it happen, or protect you if it comes to pass? Do people seek relationship advice out of fear, hoping to short-circuit or abbreviate what they already know or can’t control? And if bad things are going to happen between you and someone else, you can’t control them, anyway, right? (At least not the other person’s side of it.)

My name is Suzannah, this is New Year’s Eve Day 2007, heading to 2008, and I am scared. The man I have been seeing for six months, whom I will call Colin, just got back from a week out of town with me, where we went home and met the parents, and now he’s kinda falling apart. Didn’t do the work for the job he was supposed to yesterday.  Didn’t call or communicate like he said he would.  Sent an email late last night that I shouldn’t count on him for our New Year’s Eve plans, he was really sorry, but he wasn’t doing well.

WTF?

My heart is so confused.  I care about him, not the plans, and I am scared this is a means to push me away, slow things down from how they have been.  I am not angry with him, I am afraid, afraid I am going to lose this person I love, and the connection I have come to so deeply value. Afraid he doesn’t want me now that he has me, and once again, for what must be the third time in my life, I am going to get dumped over the New Year, even if last week I was with him at home, meeting his family. (Is this an irrational fear, or a rational one? Seems rational to me.)

On the other hand, I don’t want to create any self-fulfilling prophecies. I can be a bit of a drama queen, at times, and I know that acting as if something is the case can make it so.

Treating this situation as if Colin’s true intent was to break up with me could push things that way—and yet, maybe that is what he wants, deep down, and I just don’t know it yet.

That is my fear.

Last week, when we were driving around in the cold snow, visiting his family, we had a good talk about us. “I’m scared of loving you completely,” I said, “There’s a part of me that is trying to stay in control, to make sure that if you hurt me I could still get out of bed in the morning, still not be devastated. I can feel myself holding that back, and it’s just a matter of time.”

For him, the issues were different, about my supporting some of his beliefs and causes, about our joining our energy together to make the world better. “If we can do that and pull it off,” he said, “my feelings about you would be unshakable.”

Three years ago, New Year’s Eve, was when it became abundantly clear my marriage wasn’t going to survive. The fighting and the tears, two trapped, unhappy people—the rest of the month was plotting an exit out, an escape hatch I didn’t see till my now ex-husband forced me to jump. Coincidentally, I dreamt about the Ex last night, and in the dream I recognized how deep the loss was, how devastated I felt about losing my partner, even if in real life things hadn’t worked for a while.

Now I am afraid that I am going to love and lose again. That Colin’s emotional issues, right now, are a means to push me away, to not keep us together.  That we will come out of this holiday, despite the week spent with him family, the time spent talking about hopes and dreams, further apart than before—and the painful kicker on that truth is that it would be that way because it was what one of us—despite words to the contrary—truly wanted.

Why does love have to have all this pain? Why am I asking myself if I’ve chosen a man who would be happier NOT being happy? A man who see the open door to the cage and decides NOT to step through?   Is this a punishment for the men I have broken up with, the ones who loved me and I couldn’t give them what they wanted and be true to myself?

Am I going to come out of this holiday season bereft, again?

I am so afraid, and yet, all one can ever do is face the truth. If Colin isn’t really capable of having this relationship, or doesn’t want it, I will find out.  If these are issues about time management, self esteem, or medication/depression coming to a head, I will find out.  If this is fear of being loved and loving, I will find out. If it’s that, deep down, I am just not the person he wants to make a deeper commitment to, I will find out.

But it hurts.

Feeling...sad..and frustrated

So Colin finally wrote me a note last night and said he'd worked on a project for 48 hours straight. My first thought was "Psychotic break?" or "Manic episode?" but he seemed coherent and the project mostly made sense.  Said he'd not checked his email or phone for all that time.
Ugh.
I wrote a very measured note back, then thought better of it and wrote a more honest note describing how hurt and down I felt by the lack of contact and that I needed more consistency.
Did not hear a peep.
Then, early evening tonight, a very hale and hearty Colin called--he was on his way to a MeetUp group for pizza and companionship and had not yet listened to my VM or read my emails.  I found it hard to be anything but polite, and had trouble engaging with him, I was too angry and hurt. I felt he was waiting for me to talk about plans and seeing one another, but I had no intention of that.

After we chatted for a bit, I said, "I'm at the market, I have to go in and get food before I go walk the dog, you can call later," and I got off.  I'd like him to go home and read the emails I sent and pay attention to how I feel and then call me.  If he doesn't, I don't plan to call him for a few days...the game is called withdrawing attention from someone who is selfish and seeing if he can learn from that.  Sad thing is, I don't know that he can (he's 50, after all!) so this might torpedo what was becoming something so gratifying and lovely--there is just no way I can have a close relationship with someone who doesn't respond to calls or emails cause he gets engaged or distracted for 3 days.  I mean, one measly call--is that out of line?  Nope, it is what I need.

So I am still feeling bad about all this, hurt. I had made suggestions for weekend plans which he did not respond to and I am now switching to Plan B, which is to not go to his place tomorrow night and to instead stay home and write, and then to do the trip to see a friend I planned on Saturday and let him come if he gets in touch, and go without him if he doesn't. Sunday has its own flow--I have a meeting and then I have some events I want to attend--an art opening and an open house.

But Colin's switch into this absorption into this project means:
Never got a response about spending Thanks giving together, which means it will not happen because the tickets will cost too much;
Never thought of any one to invite to the event we are co-hosting together in a week;
I feel hurt and sad.

Arrghhh...I seem to spend alot of time writing about the pain and uncertainty this relationship causes--there is much great job when we are together.

i hate how needy i feel

at dinner tonight at the poly potluck--the first one i have ever gone to--some acquaintances were present with friends. the man was in a new relationship with a woman who was there with her husband and the poly man--because this couple was brand new to poly--kept talking about how lucky they were, how they three of them had become a family, and how the two men both loved this woman so much and she loved them.

now whatever you think of polyamory aside, take note that I sat there alone at this dinner, with people I did not know, most of whom I did not find particularly appealing or friendly, and tears started in my eyes because they had each other and at that moment I felt like I had no one
.
i have to get better at asking for what I want
And making sure I get it.

how do i stop the voices in my head?

every week with colin, it seems like its the same thing.
we spend the weekend together and it is great.
then we go off to our work week and we don't even talk.
I get emails from him and send him notes but I call him and he doesn't call me back.
I suggest plans for the weekend and don't get an answer.
Then we speak and get together and its great.
Even with a man with bad ADD, what is wrong with this picture?

Contemplating:
Making weekend plans that will not include him e, ven tho I want to see him, just to make a point
Telling him and making it clear that I need to actually speak to him on the phone at least once between Sunday and Thursday
Finding someone else to have a relationship with so I don't feel so lonely during the week

I HATE calling him and having him not call me back. It just pushes my buttons.

Still obsessing about Colin's silence

ne So silence is a poor way to read the tea leaves. Some possibilities, all or none of which could be true:
Guy is just not into me right now and disappearing is easy way to send that message (and I think he has done this before with others)

Guy is putting the breaks on with silence and distance

He's off doing something somewhere that is out of email range and since I didn't call him, he doesn't know I tried to reach him--and he knew I had a full weekend planned, anyway

WTF...something else these suppositions don't capture.

Bottom line: Can't make someone else feel or act differently, but geeze, I dunno....this would be a big hurt if the outcome was that I'd been dumped. And I am afraid of that..but really dobn't know--anything. Yep, don't know anything.

A friend is ill

One of my oldest and dearest friends is fighting an illness right now.  When I learned what was going on, I kind of froze a little bit, but then I thought everything through and got over my discomfort--my feelings for A are far more important than anything else, and I want to be her friend, care for her and support her as she does through this time.\

We spoke tonight and I am going to make sure to stay connected to her; interestingly, having had a boyfriend who was very ill helped me understand the stages of treatment and discuss where she is in the overall cycle--that is a critical fator if you're the one undergoing all the difficult treatments--as she is.

A, you are in my thoughts, my heart and on my speed dial.

More on the health stuff

So I had another series of mammograms yesterday and am waiting to hear next steps/results. Suspect I am heading for an ultrasound and perhaps more.  Of course I am both trying to be calm and completely terrified.

You play the hand you're dealt--I just don't know yet what hand this is.

the doctor called...and I am scared

I have to go back to the doctor for another test...and I am scared.

Cries of Pain, 1-3

1) My X is getting married in less than a month.  The man I was with since I was 20, who has not spoken to me in 4+ months, is getting married. Why does this send up such a cry of pain?  There's the sense of how far aside I have moved from him (and he from me), the sadness we don't even speak, the competetiveness and resentment that he's met someone he loves enough to marry, the compassion that if this is the second woman he's been engaged to in a year he must really need to be with someone, and the general unscoring of my sadness I've not at a point where I even know what I want in a permanent relationship, let alone I have the emotional focus to get it, if I knew what it was.

2) I am feeling fat and critical of myself.  Would it be easier to meet someone great if I losr 2-30 lbs?  I don't think of myself as fat, but I am overweight, and the most charitable descriptions would be "She has the body of a roller derby queen or lady wrestlers," "She's really pretty except she needs to loose some weight," and "For someone to curvy, she has a real waist."  In other words, yeah, I should lose more weight--but why do I feel right now that being chubby is an obstacle to finding love?

3) Having trouble meeting people easily.  Easily might be the important word here--I am answering and posting personals ads, going to events with friends, going on dates--but there's no one appearing who's giving me  that zing.  I know that it's addictive behavior to want to meet someone within a month of leaving the last one, but....whimper, whimper...

And of course, I am working really hard, and really busy, which underscores it all.

And reluctant to admit what I am coming to believe is true: I JUST NEED TO HANG IN THERE, HUNKER DOWN AND LOSE MORE WEIGHT.

Feeling two ways

I recognize that I'm hurt or disappointed that my X has not progressed in resolving his feelings about me--it's clear we're not going to have a cordial or communicative relationship in the forseeable future.

It felt awful to be back in position as the one he blamed, the one who didn't treat him right and made him so angry--ironic I could have that effect still when we live apart and don't speak or interact.

So at the same time I am sad we won't have a relationship of any real sort in the future, I am also thrilled to not be with this toxic man and determined to stay as far away from him as possible.  He is an illness, an infection and one I have to try not to catch.