Fork in the Road

So it has been almost 6 years since the split with the husband. Wow, I am a different person now. Hubby is going through a divorce from 2nd wife, will have to sell place they bought together. Has a new girlfriend he is dating steadily. We talk sometimes, I like him better now, kinda.

Almost August, and things with Colin still deeply unsettled. I love him, hate the idea of breaking up with him--and am unhappy, convinced I don't want to and am not able to do all he is asking of me--and feeling like I need to get OUT of this situation. Very confusing. So tempting to just keep it going and see if its tolerable, but can't/won't do that indefinitely.

More drama

I suppose having a blog where one can vent means only those incidents that require venting get covered, but still.  I have been swinging back and forth on the fence with Colin now for months, and it is so confusing.  As I write this, he's mad at me for reasons that are consuming him but seem unnecessary to me. And I am angry because his anger makes me feel like a) I can't get away from him enough to focus on myself, and b) things aren't really very good, I just don't want to admit it.

I am one of those people for whom sexual intimacy, affection and touch are really important, and I feel like those things have died down too much after 3 years to just be a question of time together. Instead, I think they reflect the growing tensions in our relationship, and the reality that while he may feel very needy and dependent on me, that doesn't mean he loves me like he once did.  And of course, I don't think I love him like I once did: the degree of care-taking I am doing of him--and which he wants me too do-is strangling our relationship like a vine on a tree.

Only, when things are tolerable, I lie to myself and don't want to admit that, and hope that things will get better. Only, they don't seem to get better consistently, only sporadically.  I know I have been in this place before, a place of growing ambivalence.

Only this time, I am going to try harder to focus on myself and on taking care of me, and letting Colin manage his own emotions. UGH! I hate fights. And here we are in one.