Does imagining the worst make it happen, or protect you if it comes to pass? Do people seek relationship advice out of fear, hoping to short-circuit or abbreviate what they already know or can’t control? And if bad things are going to happen between you and someone else, you can’t control them, anyway, right? (At least not the other person’s side of it.)
My name is Suzannah, this is New Year’s Eve Day 2007, heading to 2008, and I am scared. The man I have been seeing for six months, whom I will call Colin, just got back from a week out of town with me, where we went home and met the parents, and now he’s kinda falling apart. Didn’t do the work for the job he was supposed to yesterday. Didn’t call or communicate like he said he would. Sent an email late last night that I shouldn’t count on him for our New Year’s Eve plans, he was really sorry, but he wasn’t doing well.
WTF?
My heart is so confused. I care about him, not the plans, and I am scared this is a means to push me away, slow things down from how they have been. I am not angry with him, I am afraid, afraid I am going to lose this person I love, and the connection I have come to so deeply value. Afraid he doesn’t want me now that he has me, and once again, for what must be the third time in my life, I am going to get dumped over the New Year, even if last week I was with him at home, meeting his family. (Is this an irrational fear, or a rational one? Seems rational to me.)
On the other hand, I don’t want to create any self-fulfilling prophecies. I can be a bit of a drama queen, at times, and I know that acting as if something is the case can make it so.
Treating this situation as if Colin’s true intent was to break up with me could push things that way—and yet, maybe that is what he wants, deep down, and I just don’t know it yet.
That is my fear.
Last week, when we were driving around in the cold snow, visiting his family, we had a good talk about us. “I’m scared of loving you completely,” I said, “There’s a part of me that is trying to stay in control, to make sure that if you hurt me I could still get out of bed in the morning, still not be devastated. I can feel myself holding that back, and it’s just a matter of time.”
For him, the issues were different, about my supporting some of his beliefs and causes, about our joining our energy together to make the world better. “If we can do that and pull it off,” he said, “my feelings about you would be unshakable.”
Three years ago, New Year’s Eve, was when it became abundantly clear my marriage wasn’t going to survive. The fighting and the tears, two trapped, unhappy people—the rest of the month was plotting an exit out, an escape hatch I didn’t see till my now ex-husband forced me to jump. Coincidentally, I dreamt about the Ex last night, and in the dream I recognized how deep the loss was, how devastated I felt about losing my partner, even if in real life things hadn’t worked for a while.
Now I am afraid that I am going to love and lose again. That Colin’s emotional issues, right now, are a means to push me away, to not keep us together. That we will come out of this holiday, despite the week spent with him family, the time spent talking about hopes and dreams, further apart than before—and the painful kicker on that truth is that it would be that way because it was what one of us—despite words to the contrary—truly wanted.
Why does love have to have all this pain? Why am I asking myself if I’ve chosen a man who would be happier NOT being happy? A man who see the open door to the cage and decides NOT to step through? Is this a punishment for the men I have broken up with, the ones who loved me and I couldn’t give them what they wanted and be true to myself?
Am I going to come out of this holiday season bereft, again?
I am so afraid, and yet, all one can ever do is face the truth. If Colin isn’t really capable of having this relationship, or doesn’t want it, I will find out. If these are issues about time management, self esteem, or medication/depression coming to a head, I will find out. If this is fear of being loved and loving, I will find out. If it’s that, deep down, I am just not the person he wants to make a deeper commitment to, I will find out.
But it hurts.
Suzannah,
Many hugs to you. I think since love is something most of us want and need at such a core level, it's especially likely to come bundled with fear.
When fear is screaming in your head that everything's going to blow up, I find that's when it's most useful to take a breath and remember things can work out well, too. In fact, usually things in a relationship can *only* work out well if you can picture them doing so.
But I understand your fear, it's totally valid, and I'm sad you're feeling that way right now.
- Amy
Posted by: Amy Gahran | December 31, 2007 at 12:03 PM
I think Colin's issues are about Colin, and not about you.
If Colin is falling apart, that's not because of you and it's not commentary on you, or even on your relationship.
My guess is that he was disorganized and had serious difficulty coping with time management well before he met you. I bet he's lost a lot of friends because of it; I bet that hurt; I bet it would hurt a lot if he lost you because of it.
One of the most difficult things about having a non-visible difficulty is that people assign moral value and motive to your behavior -- that you're doing something because you don't like someone, or that you're selfish, or lazy. Weirdly, it's worse if you're smart, because people "know" you can do it, when in reality, you might be more likely to design a nuclear sub from scratch than to develop decent time sense.
I think it would be a fabulous thing if you asked him -- hey, when things like this happen, does it mean that you're having doubts about me? Believe me, he knows how his behavior looks to other people, and he's probably cringing thinking that people he cares about believe that he's being intentionally mean or selfish to them. Sure, he could bring it up, but most people with those kinds of problems also have a history of feeling real shame about the way they are (and that shame has probably been reinforced plenty, especially when they were kids, by parents and others), so they don't initiate talking about it even when doing so would be a net positive from an objective point of view.
BTW, I know this is a kind of old post, and it looks like from subsequent posts that things are better. That's good!
Posted by: Lisa Williams | February 11, 2008 at 03:48 PM
Wow. You really are a tech diva! One with a lot of vulnerabilities that you're willing to put out there... to everyone, to me. Thank you. I'm glad I'm in good company. I know everyone has their heartbroken at one time or another, but I don't think everyone REALLY tries to make sense of it. Mostly, people just want the pain to go away. But if that's all we focus on, then perhaps, even if we find love again.... there's the chance that pain will reoccur. In other words, we need to own up and fix our own sh*t, right? Good luck to you on your path. Know that someone else on a similar journey wishes you well.
Posted by: Elena | March 30, 2009 at 08:56 PM