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Amy Gahran


Many hugs to you. I think since love is something most of us want and need at such a core level, it's especially likely to come bundled with fear.

When fear is screaming in your head that everything's going to blow up, I find that's when it's most useful to take a breath and remember things can work out well, too. In fact, usually things in a relationship can *only* work out well if you can picture them doing so.

But I understand your fear, it's totally valid, and I'm sad you're feeling that way right now.

- Amy

Lisa Williams

I think Colin's issues are about Colin, and not about you.

If Colin is falling apart, that's not because of you and it's not commentary on you, or even on your relationship.

My guess is that he was disorganized and had serious difficulty coping with time management well before he met you. I bet he's lost a lot of friends because of it; I bet that hurt; I bet it would hurt a lot if he lost you because of it.

One of the most difficult things about having a non-visible difficulty is that people assign moral value and motive to your behavior -- that you're doing something because you don't like someone, or that you're selfish, or lazy. Weirdly, it's worse if you're smart, because people "know" you can do it, when in reality, you might be more likely to design a nuclear sub from scratch than to develop decent time sense.

I think it would be a fabulous thing if you asked him -- hey, when things like this happen, does it mean that you're having doubts about me? Believe me, he knows how his behavior looks to other people, and he's probably cringing thinking that people he cares about believe that he's being intentionally mean or selfish to them. Sure, he could bring it up, but most people with those kinds of problems also have a history of feeling real shame about the way they are (and that shame has probably been reinforced plenty, especially when they were kids, by parents and others), so they don't initiate talking about it even when doing so would be a net positive from an objective point of view.

BTW, I know this is a kind of old post, and it looks like from subsequent posts that things are better. That's good!


Wow. You really are a tech diva! One with a lot of vulnerabilities that you're willing to put out there... to everyone, to me. Thank you. I'm glad I'm in good company. I know everyone has their heartbroken at one time or another, but I don't think everyone REALLY tries to make sense of it. Mostly, people just want the pain to go away. But if that's all we focus on, then perhaps, even if we find love again.... there's the chance that pain will reoccur. In other words, we need to own up and fix our own sh*t, right? Good luck to you on your path. Know that someone else on a similar journey wishes you well.

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