So Colin finally wrote me a note last night and said he'd worked on a project for 48 hours straight. My first thought was "Psychotic break?" or "Manic episode?" but he seemed coherent and the project mostly made sense. Said he'd not checked his email or phone for all that time.
Ugh.
I wrote a very measured note back, then thought better of it and wrote a more honest note describing how hurt and down I felt by the lack of contact and that I needed more consistency.
Did not hear a peep.
Then, early evening tonight, a very hale and hearty Colin called--he was on his way to a MeetUp group for pizza and companionship and had not yet listened to my VM or read my emails. I found it hard to be anything but polite, and had trouble engaging with him, I was too angry and hurt. I felt he was waiting for me to talk about plans and seeing one another, but I had no intention of that.
After we chatted for a bit, I said, "I'm at the market, I have to go in and get food before I go walk the dog, you can call later," and I got off. I'd like him to go home and read the emails I sent and pay attention to how I feel and then call me. If he doesn't, I don't plan to call him for a few days...the game is called withdrawing attention from someone who is selfish and seeing if he can learn from that. Sad thing is, I don't know that he can (he's 50, after all!) so this might torpedo what was becoming something so gratifying and lovely--there is just no way I can have a close relationship with someone who doesn't respond to calls or emails cause he gets engaged or distracted for 3 days. I mean, one measly call--is that out of line? Nope, it is what I need.
So I am still feeling bad about all this, hurt. I had made suggestions for weekend plans which he did not respond to and I am now switching to Plan B, which is to not go to his place tomorrow night and to instead stay home and write, and then to do the trip to see a friend I planned on Saturday and let him come if he gets in touch, and go without him if he doesn't. Sunday has its own flow--I have a meeting and then I have some events I want to attend--an art opening and an open house.
But Colin's switch into this absorption into this project means:
Never got a response about spending Thanks giving together, which means it will not happen because the tickets will cost too much;
Never thought of any one to invite to the event we are co-hosting together in a week;
I feel hurt and sad.
Arrghhh...I seem to spend alot of time writing about the pain and uncertainty this relationship causes--there is much great job when we are together.
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