My few weeks of thinking have led me to some new perspectives that aren't what I expected. My intent, which I have been thinking about for a few days, is to break up with both Wash and John. I'm thinking it through carefully, but it is starting to feel like the right thing to do.
Here's what my thinking is--
Wash is wonderful, I truly love him, but he's an apple and I feel like I am going to want an orange. In other words, while I may no longer believe in monogamy, there are things I want that I am not going to get from someone who has a wife waiting in line in front of me (yes, readers have said this many times...). I love him, but it's not going to go anywhere beyond what it is, and that's starting to not feel like enough.
And as for John, I don't love him the way I thought I would in the beginning. He's a great man, but the bond between us is more about the fun and chemistry we have in the present than a deep and enduring love (at least on my side). That means that it's very much about what we do together in the present, which is fine--but which makes me think there isn't enough around between us to go further than activities. I know John would welcome a deeper relationship, but I don't see it.
And now, I am starting to wonder whether it's worth putting all the time in to these relationships, as opposed to time for myself. If I put less effort into caring for others--even lovely people--I would have more time for myself and for doing new things.
And I'm starting to want that, which is what makes me feel it may be time to end these relationships and move on.
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