So I was coming out of diet class tonight and the X texted my phone: "I got the money, thanks, and I wondered if I could call to ask you an unrelated question."
This was the man who said "I never want to have any contact with you ever again."
I texted that back and said I'd been hurt. He said "I said that when I was very, very angry."
"You can call me if you don't attack me, " I replied, and a few minutes later the phone rang, the X on the other line.
"I wondered if you'd be open to getting a get, a Jewish divorce," he said. "That way if I wanted to get married again I could have a Jewish wedding, and if you did, you could too. We could go to the rabbi in your town, it's not a big deal."
I told him I'd want some time to think about it, that I was still hurting from the way he treated me when we spoke and didn't feel motivated to see him or make a special effort right now.
"You don't understand how angry I've been," he said. "We've been divorced for 2 years and I have been waiting for this money from you with no control over when I'd get it. I've felt completely invisible and unheard."
Those comments took me aback--those were the exact complaints the X had during the end of our marriage--that his feelings were unacknowledged and obliterated by me! I took a deep breath. "You know, your feeling that way demonstrates to me why it is so good we're no longer married," I replied. "The fact you were unable to express those feelings to me and then exploded once you had the check shows we're unable to communicate."
"I worried that if I showed you how angry I was, you'd not give me the money or tell me to sue you or something," he said.
"And that's why it's good we're not together," I answered, marvelling that 2 years after we split up, the man still had the same angry feelings toward me, and realizing that he probably did intend to never have anything to do with me ever again once he had what he wanted--he just hadn't wanted to let that show."Let me take some time to think about the get."
"How much time?" he wanted to know. "Weeks, days, months? Can I help the process along?"
The idea that a man who didn't share his frustration over waiting for a settlement check might have an unspoken agenda in asking for a get slowly dawned in my brain as we talked.
"You know,'I said carefully, "If you have a reason to want this get within a specific time frame, you should tell me. I might feel differently about it if you have a tangible time frame, rather than just a general wish." (Yes, I am sure you can guess what was coming.)
"I am engaged," he responded. "I want to get married again."
"Oh," I said, "Well, I don't want to be the obstacle standing in your way. I don't want to see you, but if you find out the details, I'll consider it."
And ain't that a bitch? What do you think of a man who blames me for his own feelings, but doesn't have the honesty to come out and say that he's remarrying--who instead tries to manipulate me because he's either too chickenshit or too manipulative to tell me the truth?
Arrghhh. I am both still hurt and SO GLAD we are no longer together.
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