I got an letter last week from a reader of this blog whose consideration and good sense impressed me. I wrote and asked if I could reprint parts of it--and she said yes, so here goes--Katrina's letter--in almost its entirety, mailed last week.
" I found your blog and thought I'd share a thought. If it doesn't fit, then no harm intended. But, maybe a different perspective would help you see things in another light and, maybe, just maybe, help you make decisions and find some peace. First, I am a poly woman. Before living poly, I had a marriage that was 16 years alternating between misery and just getting by. So I can relate to a lot of what you're saying.
The overwhelming feeling I get when reading your posts about Wash and Pansy is "this woman doesn't want a live-in partner (at least not right now, she enjoys her own space).....BUT, she does seem to want a primary". I wanted to tell you, there are many ways to do poly. If my guess is right, it is possible for you to have this, but probably not with Wash. (Though if you found this with another, perhaps you'd be happy with Wash as your secondary?) Just something to think about.
If you try to imagine what your ideal relationship(s) would look like, then work towards them, you'll probably be happier than if you try and make a particular person/relationship fit a mold that it doesn't really fit in. Just to be clear, the reason I think you'd prefer a primary relationship is because you seem unhappy with the amount of time Wash has for you. I suggest you try an exercise. Take a couple (typical) weeks in your life and note how much time you spend doing everything from working, bill paying, laundry, shopping, etc. Basically, what I think you'll see is that you like the majority of your "free" time to be with Wash. If this is the case, that is a primary relationship that you wish for. Nothing wrong with wanting that, but without living with him/them, it is not realistic to have that while he has a wife.
When you see how much free time you actually have in a week, I think you'll see that 2 days a week is giving you a lot bigger percentage than you think. If you think of his amount of free time and Pansy's amount of free time being similar (maybe 4-5 nights a week?), then you might not feel so "secondary". If, however, you see that, but you still feel uncomfortable, because you're thinking "yeah, but I like having him along for some chores, his company is great", then................you're definitely thinking in terms of a primary.
Either way, I hope you find a way to be comfortable being secondary, or determine you prefer primary and work towards that."
There is so much I could say here, but rather than respond here, I first want to say how much I appreciated her sharing and taking the time to write--more on her comments in my next post.
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