Shocking News

I spent most of the day with Wash and Pansy and came back with my head reeling, my emotions in a spin.

Short version would be that: 1) I feel dragged into their drama (by Pansy), 2) Newflash is that things are NOT good between then, with she being so mad, and he being so in denial, 3) I am not sure I want to have a relationship with a poly person whose other relationship seems kinda broken--think they have to fix it, first, kinda.

I talked about this with a couple friends, and general concensus was 'back off till they work it out."  Good advice, but can I do it?  First step is to share with Wash what I am feeling....Arrghhh.

Comments

[BillieB]

OK here it is: Wash has two wives (more fun for him) - you & Pansy have 1/2 a (what?) husband apiece? And you have schedules? I'm loving it! You get Tuesday, I get Wed. at 2:30, you get Sat. from 3-4. I get an overnite. He gets to play with two of you & you both get pieces. How absolutely female is that! Women make all kinds of rationalizations about dating married men. It's as old as time. And as sad & personally self-destructive as it gets.

And now that the "start up" fun, exploratory, new relationship part of it is over (used to be called the honeymoon period) & you're into the day-to-day reality of it - it sure as hell isn't surprising to see that there are chinks in the armour of their relationship. Don't think for a minute she's not having a problem with this. Don't think for a minute that you can be part of any "solution".

Drama? - for what it's worth - the drama is only beginning.

And this is the life you're actually CHOOSING for yourself? Boggles the mind.

[ktscarlett66]

Well...I'm glad someone else said this first but I'm a'thinking the same thing. I'm glad you and Wash make this 'connection' but there are other men out there who don't have wives you feel you have to compete with. And in reality, it's not a competition, she's the wife and you're the nice addition on the side. She's the primary and you're the secondary and you don't ever get to be primary in a relationship like this. Not trying to be harsh, just relating what my poly friend tells me, lol. She is the 'third' in a poly marriage and is always conscious of being the 'third'. The wife is first, always.

I still wonder about how comfortable Pansy really is with all this....

And something that struck me in an earlier post of yours is that most of his previous relationships ended abruptly (and badly?) and that was hard on her. *WHY* did they end abruptly? If this lifestyle is so successful for them, such a great addition to their lives, why is there such a bad aftertaste from his previous secondaries? If they haven't figured that out yet - or you don't know why - there is nothing that is going to 'fix' this. Not by him taking more partners on, not by you including a new guy in the mix, not all the talks in the world. There is a problem there between the two of them that needs to be addressed first, it would seem. Either openly or secretively, nothing has ever been 'fixed' in a marriage by bringing a third person in when there is an underlying problem.

[Lisa Williams]

Wow, someone's superego wandered in here. You don't see that every day! (Oh, wait, I could visit Instapundit and see it every day. My bad).

Let's remember, married monogamy didn't exactly give Suzannah a fair shake, either. So what are you suggesting as a remedy? Mr. Right? He's about as real as the Easter Bunny.

[jenmattione]

I'm in complete agreement with ktscarlett66. It's not about monogamy v. poly. Maybe there is no such thing as a Mr. Right. That's a different discussion.

But talk about diliberatly keeping yourself in a bad situation! This relationship (such that it is) is no better than Suzannah staying in a bad marriage. And, this particular "other woman" relationship she's in isn't helping her (not that there is an "other woman" relationship that helps any woman...). Suzannah staying in the Continuing Drama of Wash & Pansy just keeps the Bad flowing in her life. Suzannah needs to wake up and move on. Not easy, but, for her own survival, she needs to do it. And soon.

[ktscarlett]

Jen, that's what I'm talking about. I read these posts - "How secondary am I?" "He's doing things with me and she wants to come along" "She made up the schedule that gives me less time than I thought" "Their relationship seems kinda broken" "His previous relationships ended badly". And I don't see where the positive is in this for S. Perhaps we're just getting the questioning ramblings of her feelings on this situation but I can't help but feel that it's never going to get better.

Mr Right, forsooth. I have many female friends in their 50s and 60s (including my mother) who are divorced or widowed and most of them don't care about meeting Mr Right anymore. Some of them have FWB arrangement with men, they're not averse to meeting a friend of a friend or dating, but they don't feel the need to have a man in their life on a steady basis. I'm not saying S is, just that Mr Anybody isn't the end all and be all for women. And being dragged in the P&W drama doesn't seem to be a Good Thing, IMO.

Married monogamy doesn't give many of us a fair shake. That's not what I'm talking about. It's about choice. I think the marriage has issues beyond polyamory and I don't think they're going to get fixed any time soon.