Before the holidays,I imagined this time of year would be really tough for me:
The first Thanksgiving without husband, husband's birthday, the holiday--
The reality is that it hasn't been so hard, so far--I am SO MUCH happier and don't have anyone in my life who caused me the deep pain husband did.
I remember last New Year's Eve--that was the night when I first realized that maybe we weren't going to be able to work things out. We'd gone out to have sushi and see a play, and both were great--I was having a wonderful time.
After the show, we walked to the car and go in to go home--I was chattering away, excited about the play we'd seen and feeling excited. Suddenly, husband lashed out at me. "I was talking at him, not to him...I was acting like a critic, a blogger and taking his experience away..." He went on and on, quite angrily, in a way that was both completely unexpected and very upsetting.
I sat in the car and cried, feeling to blame, but also feeling completely helpless. The idea that I was making husband so upset, without even trying to, quite inadvertently, upset me a lot--I felt like I was unable to please him,to do anything right...And I had been feeling so happy, so good--at the same moment he was feeling so awful. The evidence we were so far apart really scared me....
A few days after new years', we were at the therapist's, and I talked about how we'd had a fight and then made up--but husband said that he actually hadn't gotten over it.
That was the moment it became clear that no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I turned myself inside out, husband wasn't present with me--he wanted out.
Looking back on this reality, not quite a year later, my feelings are mixed.
On one hand, I remember the intense pain and hurt I felt, the deep sorrow we were probably not going to continue our life together, the anger and disappointment he could want to let go--On the other, I see how happy I am right now, how my life is so much better than it had been for so many years--and I am so grateful for that, for what seems an unexpected freedom, a grace, a blessing, a miracle.
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