NYTimes: Divorce after 40 years

Quite the column in the Times today, by Terry Martin Hekker:   " I was predictably stunned and devastated when, on our 40th wedding anniversary, my husband presented me with a divorce. I knew our first anniversary would be paper, but never expected the 40th would be papers, 16 of them meticulously detailing my faults and flaws, the reason our marriage, according to him, was over.

We had been married by a bishop with a blessing from the pope in a country church filled with honeysuckle and hope. Five children and six grandchildren later we were divorced by a third-rate judge in a suburban courthouse reeking of dust and despair."

And

"No jilted bride could feel as embarrassed and humiliated as a woman in her 60's discarded by her husband."

And

"...divorced" doesn't begin to describe the pain of this process. "Canceled" is more like it. It began with my credit cards, then my health insurance and checkbook, until, finally, like a used postage stamp, I felt canceled too."

WOW.

Comments

[Linda Reeder]

How are you now? I just now ran onto this site and want to hear how you are now- when you respond I'll expand my simular thoughts.

[suzannah]

I am great...really well.

[lou]

I was wondering how you deal with being alone after all these years. I am thinking about leaving my husband after all the verbal abuse for at least 40 years but am so afraid of what lies ahead. Never worked outside of the homel he knows my fears. You get the picture

[S Taylor]

After 47 years my wife says she hasn't loved me for 20 years.
She says the reason she didn't leave me ,was the children.

I had know idea she didn't love me,how dumb is that?
We have leaved the high life, with everything we wanted.
She tells me she has the rest of her life planned out.
I'm lost, because I'm losing the love of my life and best friend

[Berwyn Divorce Lawyer]

I recently came across your blog and have been reading about Divorce later in life. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

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[Mandy]

Good luck to you. My husbands plant was sold, but he was under pressure deciding whether to take his lump sum or stay. He early retired. I had no peace about him doing that. Our bills were to much and he had 4 years to go until social security. We both have worked hard and long hours and had what we wanted. Now there is less interest earned on his retirement and he seems depressed, won't talk to me. Always ends up in an argument. Won't get a job. After 40 years, I am praying and we are in our late 50's and it is so hard to think of not being together. I am at my ropes end. He has never been a communicator. Quiet natured, a good man, but I just get so aggitated at him for not being more concerned about our future. I figure he is depressed, but won't go to the doctor. Has very little interest in anything. Won't do things that other men do like hunt. All he wants to do is ride his goldwing. I try not to nag, but sometimes I do. I feel he has very little feelings for me, rarely touches me anymore. Hey, life is to short. I have to make a decision to loose 1/2 of what we have worked so hard for all of our lives. I can't get it through his head that what seems like alot of retirement really isn't when you aren't earing but 3 percent interest on it, just to keep from loosing it. He doesn't care. Absolutely doesn't care. I want more out of life. I didn't work so hard, pay my house off in 12 years to live in poverty when I am old. It is scary to divorce,and I really don't want that. I love him, and know he loves me, but hey, what is life if you aren't happy? We are christians, you would think that would be the answer. Not with him. He pushes every problem under the rug, doesn't want to deal with it, and has always been like that. I DEAL WITH ALL THE PROBLEMS! I AM TIRED OF IT.

[suzannah]

Mandy, I feel for you. I don't know what you sbould do, but I do think you--and everyone--deserve to have a happy life. What can you do to become more independent and have a better life without your partner being the source of it all? Is that a good path to think through?
Can you get him to the doctor to check his tostersterone level and some antidepressants?
Good luck!

[Jooseppi Arendonk]

This is probably the outlook of many spouses who have experienced the same scenarios as yours. It can be very hard… Have you talked about it first? Being surprised can lead to mixed emotions, mostly sad ones. I guess you just gotta deal with it. How was the help you got from your lawyers?