Fork in the Road

I need sex

How did it turn out that I am supposedly having an active dating life, but I am horny as can be?
I think I need to resign myself to a level of not getting any that seems hard to believe...but short of picking up guys at random, my plans for great relationships filled with good sex don't seem to be going that well.
Ugh.

R? Have seen him 3 times in the past week and nothing..nada..I have no idea why, but I need to find out...

Husband: How did it come out that someone I spent most of my life with could choose to completely walk away from me?

One of the awful things about divorce is that we don't talk.
I spent a chunk of every day thinking about someone who no longer speaks to me unless he has to.
I think about husband often and find that fact he's as good as dead in terms of how gone he is to be amazingly painful.
How did it come out that someone I spent most of my life with could choose to completely walk away from me?
When I face that feeling, God, does it hurt.

Rediscovery: I love the beach

When I was a child, my parents took us to the beach on long, lazy vacations; we’d rent a cabana or suite, hang out at the water all day, play a little tennis, bike-ride and then dine out or cook big, fishy feasts.

In my twenties, husband and I went to the beach before the high season started, when we could ride bikes on the flat roads, fly kites on the sand, and sun ourselves by the ocean before the sun grew too strong, Rates were lower and the beach was less crowded, and life was beautiful.

In my thirties, we took our son to the beach, a different beach, often in tandem with friends and their kids, dragging toddlers and wagonfuls of stuff down to the water to camp out for the day.

But then my husband decided he hated the beach and wanted to go no longer. In interests of family harmony, I conceded and we spent our vacations first at a rural lake and them increasingly, touring bigger--and more distant--cities.

This summer, for the first time in 12 years, I went on vacation to the beach.

And do you know what? I discovered something I’d forgotten--I love the beach.

Love it love it love it.

Love it enough that it seems inconceivable not to try to go every summer, enough that I am amazed I’d forgotten that the feeling of the breeze, the sound of the waves, and the salty tang of the ocean were one of the best combinations possible, and that--when combined with the music of children’s’ happy laughter--the beach was completely unforgettable, the sweet spot of what summer joy could become.

Yep, I love the beach.

Love it love it love it.

 

Swimmming and thinking

I am on an island, far away.
Last night I walked the beach with friends; today I go meet my sister and her family.
Light postings till next weekend when the sunburn wears off,
See ya, S.

Fork in the road: What do I want?

What do I want out of life right now?
If I take a staff job I can have more stability, but I give up novelty and future opportunity.
On one hand, I love what I do; on the other it's constant striving.
My travel will probably make it hard to get really close to someone in the future (maybe)--but I'd like to be with someone for who this wasn't a relationship-killer.
I've been working really hard the past two weeks, and recognize I couldn't work any harder for just one client than I am working now for four.
And yet...

Evaluating where I am

I've had several dates over the past month, but haven't succeeded in meeting anyone where there seems to be amazing sparks and passion AND availability...except for R, with whom I have other concerns.
Part of me wants to keep dating; the other part wants to take a step back, slow down, and see what life is like without frantically pursuing possible relationships ( I say  this in the context of still being involved, in varying degrees, with THREE guys).
One of the guys is attached and lives far away; he has possibilities, but not in any real way except fun.
The other seems interested in something pretty NSA; we may never get to know one another well enough to see what else could develop.
The third is R, with whom I feel very close--and yet, it's not enough right now.
I am going to slow it down, focus on myself,doing yoga,  etc, and see what develops without trying so hard.

Talking with Ze

In my old hometown, talking with Ze, my best friend from 10 years ago.
Ze and I had kids at the same time and were inseperable till we moved away, about 10 years ago.
I am telling her how san I feel about husband sometimes.
"You know, I think you got caught in ego stuff about your job and your work and you weren't emotionally close to your husband," she says. "I wouldn't say that sic years ago, but  can say it now."
wW talk about being close to someone else, being emotionally open, what that means.
She's probably right, and that depresses me further.

Lavender needs a lawyer

My friend Lavender has a big white dog that likes to play with my puppy.
We met when I was married and we still get together from time to time.
She's got long blonde hair and looks like a middle-aged, apple-cheeked hippie chick from
Oregon, which is kinda what she is (only 10,000 times better!)
Anyway, L and her husband just broke up.
In truth, he kicked her out--unexpectedly.
L's found a place to live, moved her stuff, and is dealing with this (unexpected) break up.
We spoke this morning.
"Do you have a lawyer yet?" I asked.
"I don't need one," she said. "He owned the condo before we were married."
"L, get a lawyer--or at least go have a consultation!"  I explained that IMHO it was worth $125 to
get an hour of a divorce lawyer's time--what if she was entitled to something she didn't know to ask for?
By the time I got off the phone, L had the number of my attorney and was going to ring her up.
Yeah, divorce sucks.
But good legal advice makes it (a little) better.

Going to see R

So I will see R in an hour.
He is coming from seeing the doctor about his pending surgery.
I have a feeling the visit did not go well.
When I asked, "How'd it go?" he replied "I'll tell you when I see you."
That is never good.
On the other hand, we're going to dinner and the movies.

If R can't have this surgery, it is going to be really tough.

Sunday with the scientist

My sociologist  friend came down from the East Bay and we hung out for a couple of hours today.
This is someone I met on line, have seen once before, and really like.
S is well-travelled, smart, fun, and very warm.
And he is wicked sensual.

Maybe it's hard not to have a favorable impression of someone you only see in
carefully controlled 2-hour stints, but this guy seems amazingly charming and nice to me.
And for someone who seems so geeky in some ways, he's hot.