So I hardly slept last night.
You see, I found out that R has been advertising for other women in the personal ads. Yep, Mr. I *love you* and want to commit has two ads running for women (and yes, he references that his next girlfriend should be republican(!), and truly single or divorced. )
I cancelled our get together and confronted him.
His response : "I wanted a date for Saturday night, that's it."
My response: " Bull-hoohie."
Actually my response was a lot more that that. Since we'd spoken at length last night and he'd been so nice, I wrote him at length about the amazing fact he was unable to bring up any unhappiness when we spoke--but was clearly looking for another girlfriend with some concentration!
So this is the moment in my new life as a single when I feel burned out and upset.
R, whom I trusted, has proven to be untrust worthy (are all men?--dammnit, he could have just said something!) There just doesn't seem any way around it. Maybe he's someone who can't handle a relationship even if he wants one--so he has to start new ones, over and over. Maybe...whatever the reason, he's trashed what is between us.
I am travelling today, back from a business trip, and I am going to be so zonked on the plane. I feel so sad about all this, and so angry, and so resigned, in a way...Welcome to the monkey house and the downside of all these little relationships.
God, what a jerk he is being! Aaaarrrggh!
Okay, and the whole "must be Republican thing"?? I know several Republicans who I consider to be intellectually honest, but there seems to be a whole syndrome loose in our country that I notice in politics and in personal life. The syndrome combines a demand that everyone treat the person as utterly respectable along with complete moral amnesia about past and continuing bad behavior; and if you bring up the bad behavior, you're the bad guy or gal and it's your motives, not theirs, that are questioned. Weirdly, such people often end up making us feel bad, when we have done nothing wrong; we often end up feeling guilty or angry, or really stupid at being duped somehow.
This is a classic addict/alcoholic maneuver, by the way; when I see it at work I often wonder, "What are they addicted to that I don't know about?"
Such people are A) incredibly convincing (we're not predisposed to think everyone is lying anyway) and B) have a lot of practice at hiding and protecting their addictions and compulsions. Those come first, not people.
Aaargh! I totally want to smack this guy. It would be so satisfying to leave a flaming bag of dog poop on his front steps, ring the doorbell, and run away.
When I think about this stuff, though, I remember that such people's lives are their own punishment. It's a miserable life.
But they often hurt lots of people, and...yes, let's get the flaming bag of poop! I have a dog, even!
Posted by: Lisa Williams | August 03, 2005 at 11:16 AM