Breaking up is hard to do

This breakup is definitely the most painful thing that has happened to me.
The only thing worse was the miscarriage I had when the Kid was 3 and it was crushing to lose that second baby.
There are moments when I am fine, focused on what I have to do to get through this all. And then there are moments when I am so the opposite of fine, so much in deep pain I have no way to express, I just live with it.
This morning, we talked about the arrangements for the seperation and filing paperwork for a notice of seperation and divorce.  Husband's calm, even eagerness, to get the process moving and follow the guidelines in the do it yourself divorce book were in strong contrast to my growing sadness and eventual tears.
I can talk about it rationally, but it hurts.

For so many years, my focus was on being intimate with J, bringing myself as close to him as possible.
Now, my focus has to be on separating myself from J, putting distance and lack of intimacy between us.
This switch in intent feels so weird--truth is, I feel the same way about J--I love him--but  there's no point in trying anymore, he just isn't interested. 
As if he'd died, I need to mourn and move on.

I told husband I wanted to stay in the house for a few months.
It's a go0d idea, but I think being here alone with the pets is actually going to turn out to be a bit daunting. 
The idea of not moving till I know what I am doing and where I want to go is smart, but I'm going to need to develop some routines to coop with being alone or I will go MAD (after all,I work from a home office as well.)

God, this is so depressing.
I really thought we'd go on together, that we would work things out and remain a couple.
I didn't realize he was pulling farther and farther away, detaching himself and pretending to love me.
I thought it was the real thing.
He wished it was the real thing.
But, profoundly, it wasn't, and now he's leaving and I am alone.

Comments

[darla]

You're right. Breaking-up is almost the same as death. You mourn the loss of the person you've been intimate with for the longest time. Moving on is the best option, but it's also so hard to achieve. Maybe this test would bring about good things, for you and your husband.

[Charlotte]

I have experienced something similar with someone I dated for 6 years but we weren't married and didn't share property... but I think I can understand where you're coming from.

That being said, things DO get better and we do eventually start to feel like our old selves in time. Focus on the person you were before you met your ex and indulge in all the things that make you happy again. I know this is all easier said than done, but maybe once you are out of that house, you'll feel a bit more clarity as well. I wish you the best of luck and look forward to following your journey.