Fork in the Road

Mom died today--in 1998

Tonight is the anniversary of my mother's death. It's been 14 years since her death, 14 incredibly wonderful, freeing years.  I remember everything about her death and the weeks that followed, the amazingly difficult path we followed to clean up a house crammed with 35 years of stuff and the pain of her loss, the estate that was so complicated to settle and so on.

I've learned so much about her life and myself since she died, not all of it good, and while I do love her, and miss her sometimes, I hate how she tore at me emotionally and brutalized me because of her own unhappiness.

Updates and news and perhaps more posts

Okay, I'm baaackkkkk. Here's the deal: After almost 5 years, broke up with the live=in boyfriend, moved out and have my own place.  Wow, am I happy.  All the people who said I was too quick to get with other people were spot on--the post-divorce time was much too focused on dating, feeling attractive, and being part of a couple and/or experimenting.  Very okay, but...my new plan is to be a great partner to--MYSELF.

I am so thrilled to no longer be in a relationship where the guy actually wanted a mom to take care of him and someone to cover his bills etc.  The slide as to how I got there is another story, one I will probably write, but geezes, what was I thinking?

Like Snow White (but no virgin) I have awakened from my sleep and discovered the handsome prince is--me!

This man is drowning and you are failing as his life preserver (Note to self)

Funny that I last posted here in July 2010 and I described the roller-coaster of emotion with Colin. Now it's November 2011 and I am still on the fence, only edging closer to the break-up.  I think this man and I just don' want to have the same relationship: he wants caring for to a degree I am unwilling to provide.

Yesterday Colin said to me: "If I slit my wrists and bled to death on your bed, three months later you'd be FINE. But if you left me, I'd be lost."

I keep trying to make it work but the big red sign is going up: this man is drowning and you are failing as his life preserver.

• Out of work for  years
• ADD
• Depression
• Issues with focus

And wanting to find his escape in MY work. FAIL.

So it has been almost 6 years since the split with the husband. Wow, I am a different person now. Hubby is going through a divorce from 2nd wife, will have to sell place they bought together. Has a new girlfriend he is dating steadily. We talk sometimes, I like him better now, kinda.

Almost August, and things with Colin still deeply unsettled. I love him, hate the idea of breaking up with him--and am unhappy, convinced I don't want to and am not able to do all he is asking of me--and feeling like I need to get OUT of this situation. Very confusing. So tempting to just keep it going and see if its tolerable, but can't/won't do that indefinitely.

More drama

I suppose having a blog where one can vent means only those incidents that require venting get covered, but still.  I have been swinging back and forth on the fence with Colin now for months, and it is so confusing.  As I write this, he's mad at me for reasons that are consuming him but seem unnecessary to me. And I am angry because his anger makes me feel like a) I can't get away from him enough to focus on myself, and b) things aren't really very good, I just don't want to admit it.

I am one of those people for whom sexual intimacy, affection and touch are really important, and I feel like those things have died down too much after 3 years to just be a question of time together. Instead, I think they reflect the growing tensions in our relationship, and the reality that while he may feel very needy and dependent on me, that doesn't mean he loves me like he once did.  And of course, I don't think I love him like I once did: the degree of care-taking I am doing of him--and which he wants me too do-is strangling our relationship like a vine on a tree.

Only, when things are tolerable, I lie to myself and don't want to admit that, and hope that things will get better. Only, they don't seem to get better consistently, only sporadically.  I know I have been in this place before, a place of growing ambivalence.

Only this time, I am going to try harder to focus on myself and on taking care of me, and letting Colin manage his own emotions. UGH! I hate fights. And here we are in one.

Mood swings: My boyfriend's got a front seat on the rollercoaster of life

And we're off!  Sunday morning and I have a head ache after last night's drama. Living with someone suffering from depression means they go up...and down...and up...and....And it can all happen in 12 hours.

Every time we have a good day I tell myself I am making the right choice to live with Colin, and then every time there is an incident, my compassion for what he is going through is tempered by the desire to find a little cottage of own to retreat to.

Last night was another in those bad moments that just chip away at the love between people.  We'd had a pretty nice day, outside, active, lots of good talk and some yummy intimate moments, and a lovely dinner we made got topped off by Colin deciding we had to have a big party and invite 40 people via email so 4 would show up at our house for the event.   The logic? He had a crappy social life on his own (all true) and this was the only way to get any of these people to agree to see him. Never mind he forgot to ask me whether I was up for the work on my end (I am not), or whether this kind of big blast of effort would make sense to anyone but him.  When I questioned the scheme he got furious and pointed out--rightly so--that I needed to be more straightforward about what I wanted to do--not have a party--before I criticized his efforts.

I agreed on that, but the evening spiraled into a mad and regressed Colin plunging into depression and hugging his pillow. I was facing yet another Saturday night wondering how I had gotten myself into a relationship where I was so committed but I wasn't having fun.

Problem is, I don't know how to fix his depression, I don't believe I can, and don't think it's my job to.  On the other hand, he is a wonderful man, I love him, and I feel so bad for all he is going through and how fragile his self-esteem is at this very minute.  But if I don't break free a little bit--I am going to suffocate.

Welcome to Sunday, Ugh.

Hello, old friend

Weelllll, I'm back. not that I have the time to be back. But I am. Time for another safe place to write. This one.

Quick update #2: Have been living with Colin for 18 months. We got a place together in Nov 1009, and it's been good, mostly. I totally switched careers and love what I am doing. Only, there are some issues:

BF has some dependency issues. I am not doing well at managing them. I am not sure I want to be better at managing them--taking care of people on a day to day basis doesn't play to my strengths.

Also concerned about easing into care-taker role: When did that happen?

Checking in with the universe

I haven't posted here for almost a year; no time. But I'd like to share where my story has gone to date, in appreciation of everyone who has followed this blog, and new people who come to it because they have gotten divorced and are hurting and learning.

Here's the short version: Life is good. Nah, life is GREAT.

I have been seeing one special man for almost two years (Colin, here) and we moved in together and are living happily. We are not monogamous, but we're a dedicated couple who put one another first, and who are thoughtful and careful about how we engage with others.

Most importantly, I continue to try to grow as a person and address my baggage and issues.  My son is well, my ex is remarried and seems very much the same as he was, but with a new wife (we rarely talk, but I wish him well; we all should get exactly the life we wish for). I am still cordial with most of my exes, and am spending alot more time with myself, in my own space than I did before.

Peace to all.

Uncertainties

I'm in a new period, one where the questions are not about love and relationships but about work.
Yep, after a couple of years of stability, my work life is in transition, and while it is exhilirating, I sometimes feel very vulnerable.
What am I going to  do to make money?
What are the best career choices?
Will I be okay?
It seems irrational, but I still worry.

Happy and coupled

I'm feeling like half of a committed couple for the first time in, oh, eight years? Between the ending marriage and the conflicted years and then the post-divorce stuff, this is the first time I am savoring the feeling of being so deeply bonded to someone I love.
Just saying those words "I love him," fill me with wonder that I am willing to admit and enjoy it without freezing in fear.
Of course, neither one of us believes in monogamy and sexual exclusivity for ourselves, so while we're not playing the field, we're not above playing (I realize some readers may find this hard to take). The lesson I've learned is that multiple relationships don't work for me in parallel, but that doesn't mean I'll never be close with anyone else again (and I domeanclose...)
Still, what C and I have is special and I am treasuring it.

Quick takes on long topics, once more

Okay, where was I? 2008 is going to be a year of big changes.

• Colin and I are going to try spending more time together so we can see if we'd want to eventually get a place together (!!!!!) and that is eventually).
• I am probably going to end up with a new job.
• I want to get a new place to live, either in or closer to the city (two possible cities)
• Continuing to work on the diet and exercise thing.
• Still friends with Wash, still poly-identified, but not dating anyone but Colin and okay with that.
• Still doing creative writing.
• Still thinking about and learning more around activism, feminism, sex-positivism.

Thank you all for reading

I wanted to stop for a sec and tell everyone who reads this blog-and especially those who have taken the time to comment or send me email--how much it means to me.  I started Fork 3 years ago, on the heels of a devastating breakup, and it has been so good for me to have a place to write as I've tried to reshape my life and grow as a person.

I will try to post more often....so hang in there.

Quick updates

I know it's been a month since I psoted here, and here I go writing about relationship troubles. Well, it's a blog, right?

In the past month, my relationship with Colin has deepened, we've been talking about living together, and about trying it out at my place to see how it goes (and how bad the commuting is).

He asked me home to meet his family and I just did that for a week. Now, drama.

Fear

Does imagining the worst make it happen, or protect you if it comes to pass? Do people seek relationship advice out of fear, hoping to short-circuit or abbreviate what they already know or can’t control? And if bad things are going to happen between you and someone else, you can’t control them, anyway, right? (At least not the other person’s side of it.)

My name is Suzannah, this is New Year’s Eve Day 2007, heading to 2008, and I am scared. The man I have been seeing for six months, whom I will call Colin, just got back from a week out of town with me, where we went home and met the parents, and now he’s kinda falling apart. Didn’t do the work for the job he was supposed to yesterday.  Didn’t call or communicate like he said he would.  Sent an email late last night that I shouldn’t count on him for our New Year’s Eve plans, he was really sorry, but he wasn’t doing well.

WTF?

My heart is so confused.  I care about him, not the plans, and I am scared this is a means to push me away, slow things down from how they have been.  I am not angry with him, I am afraid, afraid I am going to lose this person I love, and the connection I have come to so deeply value. Afraid he doesn’t want me now that he has me, and once again, for what must be the third time in my life, I am going to get dumped over the New Year, even if last week I was with him at home, meeting his family. (Is this an irrational fear, or a rational one? Seems rational to me.)

On the other hand, I don’t want to create any self-fulfilling prophecies. I can be a bit of a drama queen, at times, and I know that acting as if something is the case can make it so.

Treating this situation as if Colin’s true intent was to break up with me could push things that way—and yet, maybe that is what he wants, deep down, and I just don’t know it yet.

That is my fear.

Last week, when we were driving around in the cold snow, visiting his family, we had a good talk about us. “I’m scared of loving you completely,” I said, “There’s a part of me that is trying to stay in control, to make sure that if you hurt me I could still get out of bed in the morning, still not be devastated. I can feel myself holding that back, and it’s just a matter of time.”

For him, the issues were different, about my supporting some of his beliefs and causes, about our joining our energy together to make the world better. “If we can do that and pull it off,” he said, “my feelings about you would be unshakable.”

Three years ago, New Year’s Eve, was when it became abundantly clear my marriage wasn’t going to survive. The fighting and the tears, two trapped, unhappy people—the rest of the month was plotting an exit out, an escape hatch I didn’t see till my now ex-husband forced me to jump. Coincidentally, I dreamt about the Ex last night, and in the dream I recognized how deep the loss was, how devastated I felt about losing my partner, even if in real life things hadn’t worked for a while.

Now I am afraid that I am going to love and lose again. That Colin’s emotional issues, right now, are a means to push me away, to not keep us together.  That we will come out of this holiday, despite the week spent with him family, the time spent talking about hopes and dreams, further apart than before—and the painful kicker on that truth is that it would be that way because it was what one of us—despite words to the contrary—truly wanted.

Why does love have to have all this pain? Why am I asking myself if I’ve chosen a man who would be happier NOT being happy? A man who see the open door to the cage and decides NOT to step through?   Is this a punishment for the men I have broken up with, the ones who loved me and I couldn’t give them what they wanted and be true to myself?

Am I going to come out of this holiday season bereft, again?

I am so afraid, and yet, all one can ever do is face the truth. If Colin isn’t really capable of having this relationship, or doesn’t want it, I will find out.  If these are issues about time management, self esteem, or medication/depression coming to a head, I will find out.  If this is fear of being loved and loving, I will find out. If it’s that, deep down, I am just not the person he wants to make a deeper commitment to, I will find out.

But it hurts.

Going in anew direction with this blog

So I've been pondering. For a while. This January is three years since my break up with the X  and I am well into a new life, a very good life.  This blog has been a sade harbor for all kinds of dating and relationships explorations, but Ive felt much less need in the past 6 months to write about dating and relationships.

At times, I have thought of shuttering the blog, But I haven't.

I'm kind of at the place now where I think this blog might be ready to go in another direction and here it is--

I have been more and more interested in exploring sexuality as it relates to feminism, gender, age, race and class. I am also interested in feminism and technology and how they fit together.  My thought is that I use this space to slide out of my past interests--and into these newer interests.

Of course, that means understanding the archives of these earlier incarnations stand and are owned by me. And I think I am all good with that.

So fork in the road takes a new turn.

Great moments in relationship development

It's Monday morning, 6:30  am.  I am sleeping over at Colin's  house, in the incredible, cluttered mess of his room, where I have made sure I have a path in the dark I can travel when I get up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom, and the alarm goes off, and I wake and remember my dream. 

"I was dreaming," I say to Colin, who is lying there, more than half-asleep.

"What did you dream?" he murmurs.

"I dreamt it was morning and you were driving me to the airport down a busy local road, and as we came over the hill you said "I've just run out of gas,'" I respond.

"And what happened then?" he asks.

"I took a deep breath and  I said 'It will all work out,' and then we came over the hill and a gas station was right there, and I laughed because I felt so calm," I said. "And I knew it would all be fine, and it was."

"Hah!" Colin said, and then he smiled triumphantly, because of course he was waiting to see what this dream boded for the success of our relationship.  And then,  after he told me his dream (which was all about being chases by monsters) he feel right back asleep and I left to go to work, marveling  at what I learned from this dream:

• I know this man is sometimes going to make mistakes and screw things up
• I feel accepting of that
• I'm confident everything can be worked out--and in the end will come right

These are interesting feelings from a woman who used to go into a panic when the gas gauge went down below 1/4 tank--just in case.

Updates and a whine

I've just been so busy at work and with life I have not posted here.  Work is the black pit of things to do and real life is full of people and events, so....I did take some time to myself to write, but it was essays and poems, not blogging..the blogging feels really behind.

As for relationships, I am dating Colin and it is problematic.  I see he has some of the traits of R, which is a mixed blessing thing, but I also see how much I enjoy his company and how good I feel with him and that counts for a lot. In other words, I am still mixed on this relationship, what it is,and where I want it to go.  On one hand, I can see making a real commitment to Colin, eventually living together, and yet, I can also see how just walking away could be an equally valid choice--it is so unclear whether he will give me what I want or whether he is what I want...and yet, he is more compelling to me than anyone I have met--pretty damn compelling.

Feeling so much better

I had a long and serious talk with Colin and I think he heard me. I also heard him--these obsessive attention binges are a part of who he is, and a problem in relationships. But he is willing to try to not make me nuts. And doesn't want to loose me.

Feeling...sad..and frustrated

So Colin finally wrote me a note last night and said he'd worked on a project for 48 hours straight. My first thought was "Psychotic break?" or "Manic episode?" but he seemed coherent and the project mostly made sense.  Said he'd not checked his email or phone for all that time.
Ugh.
I wrote a very measured note back, then thought better of it and wrote a more honest note describing how hurt and down I felt by the lack of contact and that I needed more consistency.
Did not hear a peep.
Then, early evening tonight, a very hale and hearty Colin called--he was on his way to a MeetUp group for pizza and companionship and had not yet listened to my VM or read my emails.  I found it hard to be anything but polite, and had trouble engaging with him, I was too angry and hurt. I felt he was waiting for me to talk about plans and seeing one another, but I had no intention of that.

After we chatted for a bit, I said, "I'm at the market, I have to go in and get food before I go walk the dog, you can call later," and I got off.  I'd like him to go home and read the emails I sent and pay attention to how I feel and then call me.  If he doesn't, I don't plan to call him for a few days...the game is called withdrawing attention from someone who is selfish and seeing if he can learn from that.  Sad thing is, I don't know that he can (he's 50, after all!) so this might torpedo what was becoming something so gratifying and lovely--there is just no way I can have a close relationship with someone who doesn't respond to calls or emails cause he gets engaged or distracted for 3 days.  I mean, one measly call--is that out of line?  Nope, it is what I need.

So I am still feeling bad about all this, hurt. I had made suggestions for weekend plans which he did not respond to and I am now switching to Plan B, which is to not go to his place tomorrow night and to instead stay home and write, and then to do the trip to see a friend I planned on Saturday and let him come if he gets in touch, and go without him if he doesn't. Sunday has its own flow--I have a meeting and then I have some events I want to attend--an art opening and an open house.

But Colin's switch into this absorption into this project means:
Never got a response about spending Thanks giving together, which means it will not happen because the tickets will cost too much;
Never thought of any one to invite to the event we are co-hosting together in a week;
I feel hurt and sad.

Arrghhh...I seem to spend alot of time writing about the pain and uncertainty this relationship causes--there is much great job when we are together.

i hate how needy i feel

at dinner tonight at the poly potluck--the first one i have ever gone to--some acquaintances were present with friends. the man was in a new relationship with a woman who was there with her husband and the poly man--because this couple was brand new to poly--kept talking about how lucky they were, how they three of them had become a family, and how the two men both loved this woman so much and she loved them.

now whatever you think of polyamory aside, take note that I sat there alone at this dinner, with people I did not know, most of whom I did not find particularly appealing or friendly, and tears started in my eyes because they had each other and at that moment I felt like I had no one
.
i have to get better at asking for what I want
And making sure I get it.

how do i stop the voices in my head?

every week with colin, it seems like its the same thing.
we spend the weekend together and it is great.
then we go off to our work week and we don't even talk.
I get emails from him and send him notes but I call him and he doesn't call me back.
I suggest plans for the weekend and don't get an answer.
Then we speak and get together and its great.
Even with a man with bad ADD, what is wrong with this picture?

Contemplating:
Making weekend plans that will not include him e, ven tho I want to see him, just to make a point
Telling him and making it clear that I need to actually speak to him on the phone at least once between Sunday and Thursday
Finding someone else to have a relationship with so I don't feel so lonely during the week

I HATE calling him and having him not call me back. It just pushes my buttons.

Love, hurts

So Colin and I have been seeing each other for 3 months. It's been joyful and intense, and I'm so glad to know him, but I experience fears I've just never felt before. It's hard for me to distinguish whether what I am feeling is sadness, loneliness, insecurity or just fear, but the some of the days when we're not together and we don't speak I just feel buckets of pain.

I am feeling that way tonight--it's been a really, really long and intense day at work and I am going to see Colin tomorrow, but I wish I could talk to him tonight--only after calling him last night and not getting him (or having him return the call), I don't feel comfortable calling again..and yet I wish we could speak.

What does this mean? I am in this state of sadness and longing that doesn't feel that good and that makes me feel uncomfortably needy. I also worry this man is out with soneone else and that I'd have no idea why...not that that matters.

Ugh,

I just broke up with Wash

I was in the car and I was talking about our relationship and he said "Do you want to break up with me?" and I said Yes.  In a way it was an amazingly loving thing for him to do because he could see that my feelings for him have so totally changed; on another level, it was madness for him to go there so quickly--and yet, his doing that gave me an out. Wow.

Resolved the differences, things are okay

At a certain point today, I calleed Colin and left a voicemail. "What is going on with you and why haven't you called?" was the question.  He called (twice) after that adn we finally connected in the early evening.

More on tat, TK, but we are okay.

Still obsessing about Colin's silence

ne So silence is a poor way to read the tea leaves. Some possibilities, all or none of which could be true:
Guy is just not into me right now and disappearing is easy way to send that message (and I think he has done this before with others)

Guy is putting the breaks on with silence and distance

He's off doing something somewhere that is out of email range and since I didn't call him, he doesn't know I tried to reach him--and he knew I had a full weekend planned, anyway

WTF...something else these suppositions don't capture.

Bottom line: Can't make someone else feel or act differently, but geeze, I dunno....this would be a big hurt if the outcome was that I'd been dumped. And I am afraid of that..but really dobn't know--anything. Yep, don't know anything.

I am (still) hating this

If someone says they are going to call and they don't, and they don't send email or respond, and it goes on for a few days--but you can see they are engaged in some other online activities(from posts or log in dates) then it's reasonable to assume that person has gone MIA on you and doesn't want to talk, right?

I have Colin's sneakers, a stack of his books, and a bunch of other stuff, but the guy has gone radio silence.  I sent him an email and have not heard back.

My assumption, which makes me really sad, is that he's reconsidered the intimacy of the past week and doesn't feel able to say anything--I am learning that this is a male trait, in particular--to try a relationship on for size, then say "nah."  If this is the case, I am still appreciative of what I have learned from him about myself, but watching what I thought would be a great connection seem to fizzle out has me in deep mourning--and then I am also aware that this might not be what is going on at all.

Ugh.

Silence is such a bad tool for sharing what one feels...there's no guidelines, just fantasy-how the hell am I supposed to know what saying you'd call on Thursday night and then not calling or emailing is supposed to mean--except for fuck you, that is?

I really hate this

So Colin has been away this week and came home last night and said he'd call me.  He didn't. And he hasn't.  And I feel bad about it. And don't want to be the one to call him. To make it nice.  On one hand, I feel really disappointed and hurt--I think we may have significantly different ways of relating and I am not getting what I need from him in terms of communication.  On the other hand, he's been away from home for 2 weeks, just got back last night, went into the office for the first time today and so on.

The rational voice tries to keep perspective, but then when I see he logged into the dating site we both belong to yesterday, the hurt starts.  I recognize he could have been surfing there, insomniac, at 1 am, but he could have written me an email at 1 am, as well.

Translation: Feeling like perhaps I like him more than he likes me, or that he likes me more as a friend and I am not sure how I feel about that, assuming it is true.

Supposition: This man has the potential to hurt me because I do care for him and wish he would care for me in a similar way.

Next steps: Unknown. If he doesn't call tonight, I am going to consider whether he is really someone I want to date and how much effort I want to put into maintaining the connection.

Waaaahhh! (a blend of real perceptions and galloping insecurities!)

Insecurities and the night

It's night time when I wish I was dating someone else, someone who would be here with me and who I would feel connected to. I hate the part of myself that goes on dating sites and wishes for someone who would reach out to me, who feels lonely and uncared for way too quickly, but she's there, a part of who I am (at least I am not so hungry for affection that I want it from people with whom I couldn't have a real bond...)

Still, there's that dream of someone who will both engage me and want to be fully engaged...and who will open my life up, not close it down.

Why does it feel so hard to have that? Am I doing such a bad job looking for it, or is it that you can't look, you can only create the conditions and hope it evolves..

God, I am confused sometimes about how to get what I want!

Right now

I was delighted I could spend a chunk of time with Colin and not feel like I was falling in love, but that it was/is a meaningful relationship.  On the other hand, the fact we're not in love and it's not clear where this might head has me back to being insecure.

Arrgh.

I see my own insecurities, but I also see how I am not exactly the person Colin wants..or, to put it another way, his head is not bought in, even if his heart is.

And, of course, I am still seeing Wash (but not very often and more as a friend). And yes, Colin knows about all that.

Yep, confusion. But that's reality.