Fork in the Road

Happy and coupled

I'm feeling like half of a committed couple for the first time in, oh, eight years? Between the ending marriage and the conflicted years and then the post-divorce stuff, this is the first time I am savoring the feeling of being so deeply bonded to someone I love.
Just saying those words "I love him," fill me with wonder that I am willing to admit and enjoy it without freezing in fear.
Of course, neither one of us believes in monogamy and sexual exclusivity for ourselves, so while we're not playing the field, we're not above playing (I realize some readers may find this hard to take). The lesson I've learned is that multiple relationships don't work for me in parallel, but that doesn't mean I'll never be close with anyone else again (and I domeanclose...)
Still, what C and I have is special and I am treasuring it.

Thank you all for reading

I wanted to stop for a sec and tell everyone who reads this blog-and especially those who have taken the time to comment or send me email--how much it means to me.  I started Fork 3 years ago, on the heels of a devastating breakup, and it has been so good for me to have a place to write as I've tried to reshape my life and grow as a person.

I will try to post more often....so hang in there.

Feeling so much better

I had a long and serious talk with Colin and I think he heard me. I also heard him--these obsessive attention binges are a part of who he is, and a problem in relationships. But he is willing to try to not make me nuts. And doesn't want to loose me.

Resolved the differences, things are okay

At a certain point today, I calleed Colin and left a voicemail. "What is going on with you and why haven't you called?" was the question.  He called (twice) after that adn we finally connected in the early evening.

More on tat, TK, but we are okay.

Colin and living in the present

Realized there was no point in trying to name my relationship with Colin right now or dissect what it means. What it means is that we care about one another, like to spend time together, have a meaningful connection and are making those things a priority in our lives.

This is such a refreshing--and scary--way to think! I feel alot of of love for him, but I do not know where we could end up--and even if I thought I did know--would we really end up there? Who knows. Zero-based present time is a  more real way to value what we have.

So...we're going away together for a while. More than a week. Far, far away to a little town and a house with a porch.  I can't wait! I am expecting we are going to have a great time. A great time.

Life is good, maybe great

Down 2 more pounds, still at my lowest weight in 4 years...20 more lbs to go to hit goal.

Still exercising and stretching.

Enjoying Colin, comfortable in my connection to Wash, which has really changed (more on that later).

Learnng more about myself, love and intimacy.

Work is stressful but trying to stay focused past the swirl.

Lots to be grateful for.

I'm going away...

this weekend and on vacation in about 10 days--with Colin, then.  Work is going well and my relationships seem to be fine, but I see how insecure I am and I need to manage that...if I don't hear from Colin for a couple of days I feel insecure, and I have to manage this one....

Kinds of things I don't know and can't rush but worry about:
Will we become a couple?
Will be become committed to one another? Are we now?What does that mean? (What if we don't?)

I am someone he could love? Do I match what he wants enough? (How about the fact I have no control over this one?)

Does he have significant faults I will not be able to accept or overlook? Will I face them? (I think so.)

..And so on...Yep, smitten.  I am so looking forward to our being together for more than a week and getting to spend real time in one place...I think I will get to know him in a new way and with more depth than ever.

Where life is at this very moment

I'm feeling very fortunate right now--there's so much going on in my life that is new, positive, fresh. For all my crushing on Colin, I'm taking it slow and he's not the super-needy type, and I'm keeping my resolve to spend more time with friends, not only boyfriends. I've been walking, spending time outside, hanging out with women friends, doing some social justic type work, and also dating...not just Colin, but some other folks...and I'll be going to a weekend workshop on self-development in August where I'll probably meet some other guys.

The most exciting thing for me is that my creative energy has opened up--I'm doing ALOT of writing, have ideas for poems and essays--this has been a while coming, and it is energizing.  I want to try to keep this energy and openness in my life--and not getting emeshed with anyone is a step toward staying in the zone.

I am in deep like

Writing more later, but the short version is that I really like this new guy--whom I am going to dub Colin--and had an amazing weekend, which included spending time with him--and am feeling much more in sync. 

More later, when I have more time to write, but yes, I am crushing on colin.

Quick updates

Okay, here goes:

• In the past 2 weeks I have lost 6 pounds..that puts my weight at a low for the past 3 years and my total weight loss at 26 lbs.
• The X is married...I have not heard a peep about the wedding from anyone, and don't plan to ask, but can soothe myself with the hope that going forward he's going to blame her, instead of  me.
• I am dating someone I like and taking it slowly and open to meeting other people, and making sure dating doesn't take over my life (again).
• Work is absorbing and I am trying hard to do a good job. It's a great group of people.
• I need to do yoga more, and go to the gym more, and walk more..but maybe I am doing better than I was.