It's over

So it's done. I drove to the local mall with a car full of stuff, met R and returned the assorted lawn chairs, books, baking sheets and ephemera that had piled up at my house over the past 18 months. Plus his keys and the very nice blue topaz and diamond ring he gave me last Christmas.

In exchange for returning everything, I got to hear R's hurt and angry tirade about me: what a liar I was, how I never really cared, how disgusted his family is, and lots more I won't share (because the Kid occasionally reads this blog).

He said "I will never have a real relationship again.  I can never against trust a woman.  It look me ten years to get over Mathilda, and now I'll be old if I wait that long again."

I said little except "I see this really hurts you"--what else could I have said? And why would I want to engage with him?

After he raged for a bit, I said, "R, I'm going to say goodbye now," and I nodded and then I got into my car.  He headed for the mall, and I drove away, remembering how special he was to me at one time, and how now I was so relieved this was finally over.

Comments

[Lisa Williams]

Soooo...it's Mathilda's fault and your fault that he can't sustain a relationship.

Right.

Some people feel so ashamed of themselves that if anything doesn't work out for any reason, they have to shore up their ego by going to great extremes to make sure everybody -- themselves included -- know that they're the victim and the other person is the bad guy, and the reason why their life is such a mess.

My totally unscientific theory is this: people who feel that amount of shame are kind of a mixed bag -- like the rest of us, they have some stuff they're not proud of, but they're also typically ashamed of a bunch of stuff they shouldn't be, either because it really isn't their fault, or there's other people, typically family, in their life telling them 24-7 how awful they are.

They stop -- or never started -- sifting through the false crap others are saying to them to get to the stuff that's true. So they never have the experience of seeing something wrong in their life, working on it, and having a success in improving it. (Or, for that matter, recognizing and capitalizing on what's right with them).

Instead, they think: I'm worthless/hopeless it's others' fault, there's nothing I can do about it. The tragedy is that they have the life that goes with that mindset. And no child is born deserving that life.

[sonia]

you honestly have a very good in sight on how you should be treated right...i could so use your advice on a problem kind of similars to yours